thumbnail sketches

story of stuff

2007-12-06T21:41:00.000-06:00

definitely worth taking a look.

do you know him?

2007-11-19T22:23:00.000-06:00

heard this for the first time at willowcreek a few years ago.
pretty cool to see it shared at our own service on sunday.
powerful stuff.

i know him.

"the stand"

2007-11-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

You stood before creation
Eternity in Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighted upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to You

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart oh God
Completely to you

I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
I am is yours
-hillsongs united

take heart

2007-10-23T21:45:00.000-05:00

"I have told you these things,
so that in
me
you may have
p e a c e.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart!
I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

"bohemian rhapsody"

2007-09-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

i am SO impressed.
like wow.
WATCH THIS NOW

"amazed"

2007-07-16T22:26:00.000-05:00

amazing.

what if?

if everyone cared

2007-04-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

i don't particularly listen to these guys a lot, but i do believe that this is what the arts should do -give voice to the oppressed, be a catalyst for change, and unveil eyes to see God.

it's amazing when people in the mainstream entertainment industry use their art to speak of real life issues affecting our world and society. art has an amazing way of inspiring hearts and touching souls.

when art speaks it can change the world.

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be...
-nickelback

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." -Prov. 31: 8,9

the miniature earth

2007-04-11T21:25:00.001-05:00

one of the most powerful things someone said to me was that God has truly blessed us with so much, but we were never meant to keep it to ourselves.

what will you do with what God has given you?

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." -2 Cor 8:9

click worthy:
miniature earth
the one campaign
the millenium campaign
compassion canada
the water project

thief

2007-03-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

i can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
but can be some courage at the side of your bed
i don't know what's happening and i can't pretend
but i can be your, be your...
-olp

woman of strength

2007-03-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape,
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything,
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her,
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future,
but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly,
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face,
but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
-d.cheeks

"Hope II"
Gustav Klimt

"A pregnant woman bows her head and closes her eyes, as if praying for the safety of her child. Peeping out from behind her stomach is a death's head, sign of the danger she faces. At her feet, three women with bowed heads raise their hands, presumably also in prayer—although their solemnity might also imply mourning, as if they foresaw the child's fate." (MoMa publication excerpt)

there are so many things that we cannot know or control, but regardless of the past, present, or future, we are always in the grip of His grace. there will always be hope if we draw our strength from the Lord.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Ps. 73:25-26

shannon's art

2007-03-13T16:36:00.000-05:00

i recently came across a website by my screenprinting instructor. she's a great print artist who explores some interesting themes in in her work in various different ways. very cool girl. very personable. knowledgeable too. i received really encouraging feedback from her when she taught me. i think she was the first to say that she appreciated my willingness to push myself and experiment with the medium. it's always nice to hear that my thought process is appreciated and considered when evaluating the final product. especially with print media, the process is always just as important, if not more, than the final print itself. if you're not familiar with the process of printmaking, it's hard to fully appreciate the end product. perhaps it's like that with any art.

anyway, as i was perusing her site, i came across some things i connected with that i thought would be nice to share.

this is from a recent series she did called "four failed proposals for a world that won't exist". it's a series that presents a set of waking fantasies about breaking off from this world and finding a totally safe and untouchable place to exist. there's a very naive innocence about it that i love. i wonder if i've found the one who makes up for the holes in my socks. (click the pic)

this one, from her series "stones and ghosts", she revisits some of the haunting questions of faith and beliefs of her childhood .

"In church, I often heard it said that nothing I could do would ever make God love me less. This was meant to indicate his boundless forgiveness, but it only made him seem immobile. Like nothing I could do would ever make God love me MORE."
sometimes i think about that. i know God loves me. i know he never changes and that his love for me is steadfast. i know the gospel. i lead worship all the time. "how great the father's love for us..."-one of my all-time favourites. i know i have experienced love and i have given love just the same. i know that as humans we can always work on loving each other more deeply like the bible calls us to. but when it comes to God, he can never love us more than he already does now. i know i am loved and i know love isn't a feeling, but sometimes i just don't feel it. is it just because i don't understand the full extent of how much God loves me? i guess sometimes it can be a bit abstract. two people can work on their love for each other. God will never need to work on loving us more but for us to love God more is a lifelong process. does it make sense to ask God to love us more? or will it always be us asking for more understanding or revelation of this great love? if i don't feel loved, even by other people, if i feel like i want or need to be reminded all the time, does it mean that i'm severely insecure? maybe a strong secure person "just knows" and is simply satisfied with that. no need for affirmation. even if it happens, it would just be a bonus. people have always told me i'm a strong person, man-arms aside. but deep down, i know better.

salt retreat

2007-02-20T09:06:00.000-06:00

Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery

Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You

This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
-v.beeching

2.16-18.07

white christmas

2006-12-13T23:17:00.000-06:00

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
and children listen to hear sleighbells in the snow..."

every year, i hope it's a white christmas. i can't imagine christmas without snow. the fluffy snow that blankets everything in a pure white and glistens in the sunlight. i love watching the snow fall. not that violent blizzard type of snow fall, even though that's pretty amazing sometimes if you're indoors, but it's those lovely gentle snowflakes that flutter through the air and dance with the wind that i find mesmerizing. it makes everything feel so romantic. i could watch that forever. (and really, how do they know that every snowflake is different? is that like...every snowflake that has ever fallen in the history of the world? or is it possible that a particular shape of snowflake that fell in toronto this year could reappear again next year in say, like....russia? somebody, please explain this to me. it blows my mind.) anyhow, i love this time of the year. i'm waiting for the first snow that will last. i hope it really is a white christmas.

but then every year i think, what about them? it's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year". i can't imagine this time of year to be most wonderful, if wonderful at all, for those without homes, warmth, food, family. and here i am, hoping for a beautiful white christmas. what i'm hoping so much for every year could kill people. literally. and it does. every year.

i usually keep it to myself and forget about it as i celebrate the holiday season, but this year i'd like to do something different. even if it won't make much of a difference. i usually try avoid going to any kind of fancy banquet that raises money for charity, not that i have anything against them because i know that it gets people's attention and the turnouts are usually great, which makes it an effective tool to raise awareness about social issues. but in the end, i know that the money i pay to go is partly so that i can have a good time, and quite frankly i know i wouldn't be focusing on the charities i'm supposedly supporting by being there.

this year, i know where i want my money to go. i'd like to remember those that this season tends to forget. i'd like to stock up on some warm things like hats, mittens, scarves and socks and provide for those who need it the most this time of the year because i know i've been blessed with plenty. because i know i can. maybe there's a way to go around with a hot meal too. the hot chocolate worked nicely last time. but that's what i'd like to do for at least a day or two. maybe it can be part of being jesus with skin on.

would anyone care to join me?

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' " -Matt. 25:37-40

"baby got book"

2006-12-05T11:16:00.000-06:00

they showed this at c4c one week. quite funny....although i don't know how i feel about some of the lyrics :P

"what if"

2006-11-06T21:36:00.000-06:00

"For a friend who thinks this Jesus stuff is nuts."

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That’s all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you’re wrong?
-n.nordeman

"Doubting Thomas"
Caravaggio

my wicked week

2006-10-30T21:45:00.000-06:00

alright. so last week, because of a friend's convincing, i entered a singing competition that was going on as part of the promotion for the musical wicked. (which is just WICKED, i must say. and if you haven't seen it...what the heck are you waiting for?) it was held in different cities in the states and canada...well, just toronto. each contestant had to sing a clip from one of 5 songs from the musical. the songs were all posted online with mp3 tracks where you can practice and stuff. it was pretty convenient. and on the day of, you'd be singing along with the track with a karoke machine. so it was pretty hassle free.

so the first round was an online part, where anyone could send in a video of them singing one of the songs, and people would vote online for who would be finalists for the live competition on "wicked day". the second round (for canada) was on oct 22 with live auditions at the eaton's centre downtown. the first 30 people to register would get to sing. and then the last round was the day after at hillcrest mall. why hillcrest, i don't know. but it was close so that was the one i went to.

registration officially started at 4, but i was advised to get there as soon as i could. so i took the bus and went right after my class that ended at 2. i got there just before 3 and there were quite a few people lining up already. so i waited at the end of the line. i felt a little out of place because most of the people were teenagers...musical theatre fanatics with loud personalities that i didn't care too much to be associated with when i was in elementary/high school. but somehow i endured an hr of waiting in this line...and i wasn't even sure if i'd be able to sing. i didn't know if all of this would just be a waste of time. but i waited. just to see what would happen.

at 4 they started letting people in. they let the first 30 in, and guess what number i was. 31. that's right. 31. but...turns out that the guy in front of me had auditioned the day before downtown and didn't make it to the finals. according to the rules, you can only sing once in the auditions so i became number 30. and that was the end of the waiting. it was pretty sad to see some kids going away crying and have their parents try to fight for them and everything...and of course, chinese people trying to bargain their way in. (be a man...do the right thing...y'kno)

so the actual competition started at 5. yay for andrew and karen who showed up and kept me company! i was the last to sing. there were a few who i thought were great. but i dunno...a lot of them were kids and i don't think you can really compare kids voices with more mature ones because their voices are still developing. (other than the black lady beside me, who was great, i was the next oldest. and yes, i do realise i am one of shortest.) there was this one boy tho, who couldn't have been older than 12, that was fantastic. very cute. but he probably wont' sound like that next year...but anyway. i sang...it was ok. i had some things to work on. but i made it to the top 10 of this round, and so did that boy :) so that was cool. the finals would be a week later with the top ten finalists from the eatons center round, the hillcrest round, and the one girl who won the online vote.

so this past sunday was the finals at eatons center. it was pretty much the same deal. lots of teenagers, some that were really good. i was around 13th to sing. i was a bit more nervous for this one...more people, bigger location. and this time there would only be one winner. one out of 21. the prize would be: 6 tickets to see wicked, 6 autographed programs, $250 gift certificate for hillcrest, eaton's center, and city grill, 10 hours of professional training, and 10 weeks of auditions with a talent agency. very wicked prize.

anyway, so i sang. with dennis taping me on my camera. i'm glad i had a friend there with me. i don't think i would have done it if i was by myself. i didn't win, but i'm pretty happy with how i did. and i got some feedback from one of the judges too...the guy who plays the wizard in the production.

overall, it was a good experience. it took me a while to decide whether to do it or not, mainly because i don't often sing outside of church or worship settings. with those, i'm fine because i know that ultimately, it's not about how good i sound. it's about pointing people to God. the focus is never on me. but with a singing competition...well...it's about you and your voice. your voice compared to other people's voices. and that's scary. and i was scared that if i didn't win this, i would be thinking that i'm not good enough and all that yucky stuff and it would affect the way i sing for God. but i'm glad that wasn't the case. i know that i've been blessed with a gift, regardless of the outcome of this competition. it was a fun experience, and i'd consider do it again if i had the chance. i'm proud of myself for actualyl doing this. this is very out of character for me. but i guess sometimes you just gotta challenge yourself and just take a chance. nothing to lose.

thanks to those who called or messaged to wish me luck and wanted to be there but couldn't. and of course, thanks to those few who actually came with me too :)

here's my final performance at the eaton's center this past sunday. enjoy.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try Defying gravity
I think I'll try Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

my grandfather

2006-10-30T20:45:00.000-06:00

sent monday october 23:

hey guys...

yesterday night my family found out that my grandfather (dad's dad) has some kind of cancer in his stomach. about 2 weeks ago, he had an ulcer and was put on medication for it. he went back for a checkup yesterday and the doctor found out he had cancer. he's waiting to see a specialist so at this point, the details are unclear.

my grandmother gets sick pretty often too, so she's pretty worried about him. my mom is hoping to arrange for someone from csc to visit them. apparently there are a few people from our church who live in their building. we told my grandparents that we would be praying for them and when my mom asked my grandmother if she would like someone from the church to visit, she said yes, which is amazing because she's usually not up for stuff like that. both of them aren't believers so we're praying that through this they can come to know God somehow.

my dad is pretty stressed out right now with work too so he's having a hard time dealing with it. the news is pretty recent so for me, it hasn't really settled yet. nothing like this has ever happened to my family so i'm not really sure how i feel about it...

i'm blessed to have a family who prays together, and i'm thankful for brothers and sisters like you whom i can share my burdens with. if you could please remember my grandparents and my family in your prayers at this time, that would be much appreciated. thanks :)

in Him,

joyce

sent sunday october 29:

hi everyone,

i just wanted to say thank you very much for your prayers for my grandfather and our family in this difficult time. my family and i are very touched by the prayer support the church has given us. this afternoon, pastor bernard and 2 aunties went with my family to visit my grandparents. after an afternoon of chatting, both my grandparents opened their hearts to receive Christ. praise God indeed for how amazing he is...that he can change the hearts of the young and the old. wow. (and sometimes God sure works fast!)

tomorrow morning my grandfather will be going in for surgery and will be staying at the hospital for two weeks. please pray for him, that he wouldn't be too worried but that he would learn to put his trust in the Lord, and for the doctors that everything would go smoothly. praise God that my grandfather was able to see this specialist so soon because we were told that he's a very good doctor, but usually extremely busy, so thank for God that. we're thankful that we also found a sister in the church that is going to take care of my grandmother and help her around the house full time for the next while. please continue to pray for the physical health and the spiritual health of my grandparents.

thanks once again for the support you've shown me and my family. i'll keep you updated on how my grandfather's doing. we know that the Lord is definitely at work. our God is truly and awesome God.

have a blessed week,

joyce

how amazing is that.

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." -Luke 15:4-7

"synopsis"

2006-10-28T19:39:00.000-05:00

after a few weeks of a rather frustrating creative block, i have finally finished my "hybrid" litho print. we were supposed to put together 2 things that didn't normally go together and make a hybrid. i spent the whole afternoon today working in the studio. that's right. a saturday. and it feels soooooo good to be done early. i'm quite happy with the way it turned out.

i call this "synopsis".

(click for full view)

in early christian art, symbols were used for each of the gospel writers. people in our present day and culture aren't too familiar with them now, and i think it may have more catholic associations, but they would have been understood by the public in renaissance times and before. the symbol for matthew (top left) was a divine man, because his gospel was about jesus' humanity. mark's was a lion because his gospel was about jesus' royal status as king. luke (bottom left) was a bull, because it focuses on jesus' sacrifice and in biblical times they sacrificed bulls or oxen. and john's was a rising eagle because it was about eternal life.

because the gospels are different accounts of the same or similar events, you can see or read them together in parallel. that's why they're called the synoptic gospels. the common understanding of the word synopsis we use now has kind of diverted from the original greek, which means "together" (syn) "seeing" (opsis). with this piece, you see the whole gospel all at once. and it's only when you understand each symbol or gospel that you can fully encounter who Jesus is and what he did for humanity.

"miles"

2006-10-18T00:10:00.000-05:00

it may be miles and miles before the journey's clear
there may be rivers, maybe oceans of tears
the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding
is the hand that will be holding you for miles
-n.nordeman

"the artist lifts the veil" -h. bergson

2006-09-30T11:23:00.000-05:00

excerpt from an article i've been looking for since i first read it in grade 10.
maybe i'll comment later.

What is the object of art? Could reality come into direct contact with sense and consciousness, could we enter into immediate communion with things and with ourselves, probably art would be useless, or rather we should all be artists, for then our soul would continually vibrate in perfect accord with nature. Our eyes, aided by memory, would carve out in space and fix in time the most inimitable of pictures. Hewn in the living marble of the human form, fragments of statues, beautiful as the relics of antique statuary, would strike the passing glance. Deep in our souls we should hear the strains of our inner life’s unbroken melody,--a music that is ofttimes gay, but more frequently plaintive and always original. All this is around and within us, and yet no whit of it do we distinctly perceive. Between nature and ourselves, nay, between ourselves and our own consciousness a veil is interposed: a veil that is dense and opaque for the common herd,--thin, almost transparent, for the artist and the poet. What fairy wove that veil? Was it done in malice or in friendliness? We had to live, and life demands that we grasp things in their relations to our own needs.

[...]

In short, we do not see the actual things themselves; in most cases we confine ourselves to reading the labels affixed to them. [...] From time to time, however, in a fit of absentmindedness, nature raises up souls that are more detached from life. Not with that intentional, logical, systematical detachment--the result of reflection and philosophy--but rather with natural detachment, one innate in the structure of sense or consciousness, which at once reveals itself by a virginal manner, so to speak, of seeing, hearing or thinking. Were this detachment complete, did the soul no longer cleave to action by any of its perceptions, it would be the soul of an artist such as the world has never yet seen. It would excel alike in every art at the same time; or rather, it would fuse them all into one. It would perceive all things in their native purity: the forms, colours, sounds of the physical world as well as the subtlest movements of the inner life. But this is asking too much of nature. Even for such of us as she has made artists, it is by accident, and on one side only, that she has lifted the veil. In one direction only has she forgotten to rivet the perception to the need. And since each direction corresponds to what we call a SENSE--through one of his senses, and through that sense alone, is the artist usually wedded to art. Hence, originally, the diversity of arts. Hence also the speciality of predispositions. This one applies himself to colours and forms, and since he loves colour for colour and form for form, since he perceives them for their sake and not for his own, it is the inner life of things that he sees appearing through their forms and colours. Little by little he insinuates it into our own perception, baffled though we may be at the outset. For a few moments at least, he diverts us from the prejudices of form and colour that come between ourselves and reality. And thus he realises the loftiest ambition of art, which here consists in revealing to us nature. Others, again, retire within themselves. Beneath the thousand rudimentary actions which are the outward and visible signs of an emotion, behind the commonplace, conventional expression that both reveals and conceals an individual mental state, it is the emotion, the original mood, to which they attain in its undefiled essence. And then, to induce us to make the same effort ourselves, they contrive to make us see something of what they have seen: by rhythmical arrangement of words, which thus become organised and animated with a life of their own, they tell us--or rather suggest-- things that speech was not calculated to express. Others delve yet deeper still. Beneath these joys and sorrows which can, at a pinch, be translated into language, they grasp something that has nothing in common with language, certain rhythms of life and breath that are closer to man than his inmost feelings, being the living law-- varying with each individual--of his enthusiasm and despair, his hopes and regrets. By setting free and emphasising this music, they force it upon our attention; they compel us, willy-nilly, to fall in with it, like passers-by who join in a dance. And thus they impel us to set in motion, in the depths of our being, some secret chord which was only waiting to thrill. So art, whether it be painting or sculpture, poetry or music, has no other object than to brush aside the utilitarian symbols, the conventional and socially accepted generalities, in short, everything that veils reality from us, in order to bring us face to face with reality itself. It is from a misunderstanding on this point that the dispute between realism and idealism in art has arisen. Art is certainly only a more direct vision of reality. But this purity of perception implies a break with utilitarian convention, an innate and specially localised disinterestedness of sense or consciousness, in short, a certain immateriality of life, which is what has always been called idealism. So that we might say, without in any way playing upon the meaning of the words, that realism is in the work when idealism is in the soul, and that it is only through ideality that we can resume contact with reality.

satisfied?

2006-09-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

i went to fellowship tonight. this girl gave a talk on the holy spirit and living a spirit-filled life. i thought it was quite good. very practical. and she didn't make it seem as complicated or mysterious as some of us christians make matters regarding the holy spirit to be. anyway, i picked up one of her booklets at the end called "satisfied?". it goes through different stages of what it means to live a spirit-filled life...kind of like a tract. it finishes off with an analogy i thought was pretty cool:

Do Not Depend on Feelings

To be transported by an airplane, we must place our faith in the trustworthiness of the aircraft and the pilot who flies it. Our feelings of confidence or fear do not affect the ability of the airplane to transport us, though they do affect how much we enjoy the trip. In the same way, we as Christians do not depend on feelings or emotions, but we place our faith in the trustworthiness of God and the promises of His Word.

i love flying. i always have. i pray that i can love trusting in Him to bring me wherever just as much.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith." -Eph 3:16-17

2 chronicles 15

2006-09-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

God is very good.
i needed a reminder.
i needed to taste and see and know.

once again, i'm making the attempt to start my day off with God. i'm really not a morning person. i slept pretty late yesterday night. but then i woke up early, on a saturday morning, because i couldn't go back to sleep. i felt really hungry...had that feeling in the pit of my stomach. so i had to get up. but then i had remembered one thing i had written down in my action plan yesterday when we had our spiritual check-up at salt. i wanted to start my day off with God. at the end of the day, before bed, just isn't going to cut it. i've been going through some struggles lately. one day i just fell apart. not so much because of the situations, but because God wasn't there. i was too busy being distracted by other things. so this morning i actually spent time with God. before doing anything else. i actually did it.

for the last while i have been going through 2 chronicles. i've been trying to get through it for a while now. it's just one of those books i've never really read. they say it's a difficult book to read, especially during devotions. it's really just history. good kings, bad kings, battles, temple talk...and it's repetitive. so for a while it was really hard to be consistent. so i prayed before i read, and was just like...ok, y'kno God, this book is tough. it's kinda boring. but when it comes down to it, they're still your words. and from what i know, "the word of God is living and active". please let me see how it can be living and active in my life today.

so i read.

the chapter starts with the prophet azariah giving a prophecy to king asa. he says:

"Listen to me, Asa and all Judah and Benjamin. The LORD is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you. For a long time Israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach and without the law. But in their distress they turned to the LORD, the God of Israel, and sought him, and he was found by them. In those days it was not safe to travel about, for all the inhabitants of the lands were in great turmoil. One nation was being crushed by another and one city by another, because God was troubling them with every kind of distress. But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." (vs 2-7)

if you seek, you will find.
and really, i had not been seeking.
want God to be with you? then be with him.
wasn't really doing that either.

but no matter how long israel was without God, they just had to seek after God, and he was found. sometimes, it's really hard to see God in certain circumstances. you can say all the christian cliche things to yourself and to others, but it's not really taken to heart. it's not living and active. but really look hard. really seek. be strong and don't give up. he will be found.

the passage continues to say how asa "took courage" (v8) and got rid of all the false idols from his land and the ones he captured. people from other tribes came and settled where he was "when they saw that the Lord his God was with him" (v9). as the king, he gathered all the people and they all "entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul...All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side." (v12, 15)

rest. how beautiful is that? our God is a God of peace. of rest. seek after him, and he'll give you rest. physically, emotionally, mentally. he'll give you peace. peace about yesterday, today, and tomorrow. just seek. you'll find.

it concludes saying that "Asa's heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life" (v17).

seek, find, and rest.
God is very good indeed.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the attitudes of the heart." -Heb 4:12

strength

2006-09-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

that's what i need more of.

Isaiah 40 ...so long, but so good..
Comfort for God's People
1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.
3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."
6 A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."
9 You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?
14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless
and less than nothing.
18 To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare him to?
19 As for an idol, a craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.
20 A man too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman
to set up an idol that will not topple.
21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

"Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."
-Ps 27:14

faith

2006-09-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. -Luke 17:5-6

i don't need more faith. i just need some.

i'm tired.
tired of waiting.
tired of making plans.
tired of hoping.
tired of hearing advice and God-talk.
tired of trying to laugh it off.
tired of excusing people who don't get it.
tired of feeling guilty.
tired of having to be strong.
tired of crying.

just tired.

i'm trying to hang on.
i can be short-sighted, i know.
but it's really hard.
being supportive is hard. waiting is hard.
waiting for so long is really hard.

sometimes i just get tired.
really tired.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see." -Heb. 11:1

crazy

2006-09-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

thoroughly impressed with this video.
wow.

summer 2006

2006-09-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

a little overdue, but yeah...this summer went by pretty fast i guess...as all summers seem to have their way of slipping by. it was a difficult summer for me, but i had some great times too. successfully finished 5 courses in summer school, built new relationships, strengthened old ones, dealt with some hard ones along the way. generally lots of learning, fellowshiping, and fun. i rarely do photo updates, but here are some highlights of the last few months:

5.29-6.5: philadephia
> getting Syd settled in...the beginning of my summer.

5. 27-8.19: lighting it up, all summer long

> miss "i don't drink coffee or any coffee products" started having ice caps this summer...they're quite yummy :) but i still don't drink coffee.

7.3: casaloma
> back for my birthday...that's nice :)

7.3: alice fazooli's
> nice, but very expensive birthday dinner with my buddies (hey, who's taking this picture? haha)

7.10: dinner at marlowe
> not quite 7.11, but i'm glad you were still here. that dvd rocked my socks off :)

7.28-30: summer retreat, redeemer college
> good times, alpha and omega. stir it up.

8.24: (see aug 28 entry)

8.25: charity ball, le parc
> ok, i dig the polka dots :P

8.31: ccsa softball banquet, hilton suites
> once again, very proud of you guys :)

9.2: year end celebration
> thank you guys for your fellowship...till next season!

* * *

> man, we spent a lot of time together this summer didn't we...never without good food tho! :) you guys know how fantastic you are. so proud of this team we have here. keep shining :)

> you guys are like family. love you guys like crazy! go 84's!

> you were the best part of my summer. i'm so thankful you were back. so blessed by our friendship, sistah! :)

* * *

all the best to everyone this coming school year. stay strong...
jomama. out.

(oh and thanks to people who take pictures at different events...cuz i certainly didn't take these. wait, ok...i took one -the one of bobby's head.)

always missing you, silly

"a good night's rest"

2006-09-01T08:31:00.000-05:00

“A Good Night’s Rest”

Lysa TerKeurst, President of Proverbs 31 Ministries

Key Verse:

Proverbs 3:24, “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” (NIV)

Devotion:

Do you have a hard time getting a good night’s sleep? Some call it insomnia, but I call it Satan. I’m always amazed at how often our enemy, the devil, invades the crevices of my thought life when I lay my head down to rest each night – particularly if I’ve had a difficult or simply busy day. There have been numerous times where I lie awake at night, too consumed by my anxious thoughts for my desperate soul and body to have a good night’s sleep. Good and bad thoughts of my children, the fight I had with my husband that morning, my endless to-do list for the next day, or worry over a sick friend or family member replay themselves over and over in my mind.

Though God designed us to need sleep, we often lose it worrying. We worry about the things we need to get done, the future, or the angry words we spoke to someone. All this worry can rob us of precious physical rest. It may not take a genius to figure out how we got ourselves into that sleepless state, but it sometimes feels like it will take a genius to get us out of it, particularly if our circumstances aren’t changing. So how do we find the spiritual, mental, and emotional rest our bodies long for? May I encourage you to make your sleep a matter of prayer?

Why lie awake consumed with worries when you can pray? We find rest by coming to Jesus. How do we come to Him? By prayer and petition, as Philippians 4:6-7 says, presenting our requests to God. When you ask Jesus to take away your burdens, be specific about naming the things that are weighing on you. Make it a practice to come before Him and offer to make a trade – the heavy bundle you’re carrying for His much lighter load, as Matthew 11:28-30 suggests. Then, claim the rest He offers today.

Jesus longs to give us sleep that is sweet. When we lie down at night, we are to have a sense of comfort and assurance that He can handle the circumstances of each and every day. We don’t have to be afraid because God is more than able to take us off the wheel we are frantically running on and grant rest for our souls—spiritual rest.

Spiritual rest is a rest and peace that we cannot understand. In fact, it is so supernatural that it works! When we come to Jesus, emptying ourselves and declaring our weaknesses regarding our ability to fix whatever problem we are facing, the power of the Holy Spirit can overwhelm our souls and bring an unexplainable peace that works like nothing else will.

Spiritual rest is unique because it renews us in a way that physical rest never can. It provides emotional strength deep within. When your soul is at rest, panic within the heart simmers down and physical limitations become less overwhelming. Jesus promises that His yoke is light and easy to bear. Doesn’t that sound like the relief you long for?

When we search for rest in the Lord, the unanswered questions of life can find contentment in the Sovereignty of God. This allows us to be okay with putting aside our weapons in fighting battles with those we love that have grown distant from us. As I said earlier, Satan desires to rob us of our rest and keep us in a frantic state. He wants us to believe that rest is not possible. He wants us to worry and lose sleep. By doing all these things, he can make us ineffective as wives, mothers and servants of God. In this life, we will always have worries— it is what we do in response to those worries that makes all the difference.

Reflection Points:

Take a few moments and step outside of yourself to assess your perspective right now. Has sleepless nights of worry allowed Satan to get a foothold on your thought life? Has it paralyzed your everyday life, making you ineffective as a wife, mother, friend, or mentor? If so, through prayer, reclaim those areas for Jesus to rule over and tell Satan to get behind you!

Power Verses:

John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (NIV)

Psalm 4:6, 8, “Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?’ Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (NIV)

Deuteronomy 33:12, “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” (NIV)

Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (NIV)

lord of the rings

2006-08-25T11:45:00.001-05:00

on thursday, august 24th, 2006 a company of four friends ventured into the realm of the ma's on a journey thought by other men to be sheer madness and folly: to watch all three lord of the rings movies in one day. extended version.

despite the last minute breakdown of an otherwise fabulous big screen surround sound home theatre system (maybe it, too, was daunted by the task), multiple unexpected breaks for phone calls, spilled food, and "business", it was all in all good fun, good food, good people, and we all managed to go home with our eyeballs intact.

i was never much of a lord of the rings fan (uhoh..hannah's going to come get me) but i was interested in seeing all of them. there's a timelessness about the story. i'm thoroughly impressed by the special effects too. much better than the narnia movie, i thought. there are a lot of deep truths in all the movies as well, which i didn't pick up on before.

here are some memorables from "fellowship of the rings":

Frodo: I cannot do this alone.
Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone.
[pulls out her hand]
Galadriel: This is Nenya, the Ring of Adament. And I am it's keeper. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.
Frodo: I know what I must do, it's just that... I'm afraid to do it.
Galadriel: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

(but she's still kinda freaky...)

Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

(Gandalf is the coolest guy ever.)

from "the two towers":

Frodo: I can't do this Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

(little whiney frodo would be nothing without sam. what a friend.)

Faramir: The enemy? His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem. You wonder what his name is, where he comes from, and if he really was evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from home, or he would not rather have stayed there... in peace? War will make corpses of us all.
(a little sobering, in the light of all the middle-east crisis going on right now...)

from "the return of the king":

Sam: [Both are overcome by exhaustion] Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.
Sam: Then let us be rid of it... once and for all. Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you.
(samwise the brave saves the day...once again)

Elrond: You're outnumbered, Aragorn. You need more men.
Aragorn: There are none.
Elrond: There are those who dwell in the mountain.
Aragorn: Murderers. Traitors. You would call upon them to fight? They believe in nothing. They answer to no one.
Elrond: They will answer to the king of Gondor.
[pulls out Anduril]
Elrond: Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil.
Aragorn: Sauron will not have forgotten the sword of Elendil. The blade that was broken shall return to Minas Tirith.
Elrond: The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth. Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be. Take the Dimholt Road.
[pause]
Elrond: I give hope to men.
Aragorn: I keep none for myself.

(i love that...become who you were born to be. reminds me of lion king. "remember who you areeeee...")

Aragorn: Hold your ground, hold your ground. Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day. This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!*

and...

Theoden: Eomer. Take your Èored down the left flank. Gamling, follow the King's banner down the center. Grimbold, take your company right, after you pass the wall. Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise. Arise, Riders of ThÈoden. Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered. A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises.
Eowyn: [to Merry] What ever happens, stay with me. I'll look after you.
[the King rides past his men, hitting their spears with his sword as he goes]
Theoden: Ride now... Ride now... Ride. Ride for ruin and the world's ending.
[He stops and prepares to face Sauron's army]
Theoden: Death!
Rohirrim: [echoing] Death!
Theoden: Death!
Rohirrim: [echoing] Death!
Theoden: DEATH!
Eowyn, Merry: DEATH!!
Theoden: Forth, Eorlingas!

("DEAAAAATTTHHH!!!!" waiting for your pep talk, bobby. i'll bring my horn.
and sorry, eowyn, can't have someone who's taken. duh.)

Gandalf: Farewell, my brave Hobbits. My work is not finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea, comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.

(haha, take that, ike. i'm gonna go cry now.)

"One Ring to Rule Them All.
One Ring to Find Them.
One Ring to Bring Them All
and In The Darkness Bind Them."

(steve, you HAVE to take a picture like this. it is SO doable.)

it was a good day, friends. until next time....

keep it secret...keep it safe.

"shame and grace" excerpt - l. smedes

2006-08-20T02:47:00.000-05:00

But important as clothes are to what we look like, they are more deeply the metaphors of what we are. They are signs of our mystery, and mystery is the sign of a real self:

If we have no privacy, we have no mystery, and if we have no mystery we have no self.

If we have no privacy, we have no depth: we are on the surface, transparent, superficial, shallow, boring.

If we have no privacy, we have no sacredness: we lose our boundaries, and we have no place within that is holy to ourselves. Take away our scaredness, and we lose our core.

If we have no privacy, we lose our identity: it is swallowed in the mass. We do not know who we are even if we are celebrities and everybody on earth knows our name.

14 things you didn't know about mosquitoes

2006-08-17T14:31:00.000-05:00

Sameh Fahmy
The (Nashville) Tennessean
Jul. 10, 2003 12:00 AM

It starts with that whining sound. You look around, searching for the source, knowing you're in trouble. Before you can escape - ouch!

Mosquitoes are far more than an annoyance. They can transmit malaria, yellow fever, dengue fever, and in case you haven't heard, the potentially deadly West Nile virus.

But you already knew that. Here are 14 things you didn't know about the little bloodsuckers:

1. "Mosquito" is a Spanish and Portuguese word meaning "little fly." The English, who call Band-Aids "plasters" and cookies "biscuits," used to call them "gnats."

2. There are more than 2,500 different species of mosquitoes worldwide; about 200 in the United States. A new species, called Anopheles grabhamii, was discovered in the Florida Keys in 2001.

3. Male mosquitoes are attracted to females by the distinct sound of their wing beat. The attraction is so irresistible that a power plant in Canada kept malfunctioning until engineers realized that thousands of dead male mosquitoes were gumming it up. Apparently the plant sounded like their next fling.

4. A female mosquito (the only ones that bite) may probe your skin up to 20 times before finding the right blood vessel. She injects a substance that keeps your blood from coagulating to make sipping it easier.

5. A mosquito has a nerve in its stomach that lets it know when it's full. If you cut that nerve, it keeps sucking blood until it explodes.

6. Mosquitoes almost moved Memphis, Tenn.: An 1878 yellow fever outbreak killed more than 5,000 of the city's 33,000 residents. After the outbreak, some town leaders wanted to level the city, salt the earth and re-establish the town elsewhere.

7. The mosquito-borne West Nile virus was first identified in 1937 in Uganda near the western bank of the Nile Valley. It was first seen outside that region in Israel in the 1950s and later in Europe and parts of Western Asia. In 1999, it was first discovered in the United States in New York City.

8. So how did the virus cross the Atlantic? Nobody knows for sure, but there are a few theories.

Theory A:

Theory B:

Another theory:

newsmax.com

Forty-one states have official state insects or butterflies, but no state has chosen mosquitoes as its bug of choice. This is most likely because mosquitoes bite and sometimes kill people.

Mosquitoes aren't all bad: They're food for other insects, fish, frogs, bats and birds. They also help pollinate plants.

11. For the most part, mosquitoes feed on nectar or rotting fruit. The females drink blood only when they're ready to lay eggs.

12. A mosquito can find you from 65 to 115 feet away. She first smells the carbon dioxide and lactic acid you exhale, and as she gets closer she sees you moving. The heat your body generates guides her to the unprotected part of your body.

13. A mosquito will drink two to three times her weight in blood. She's so heavy after a blood meal that she can barely fly.

14. Good luck trying to find a place where mosquitoes don't live. They can be found at 8,000 feet up in the Himalayas, below sea level in the California desert, above the Arctic circle and in the Sahara desert.

i came across that article when i was trying to google good things about mosquitoes after i discovered two mosquito bites on my shoulder. there must be a reason for their existence. mostly, they're good for pollination and sucking the sticky sap off of trees and plants but scientists don't think that there would be a significant impact on the ecosystem if they all disappeared. so then why? whyyyy must we live with mosquitoes. arg.

corinne bailey rae

2006-08-17T12:26:00.000-05:00

i really like her. smooth feel-good mellow music. kind of has a norah jones, eryka badu, macy gray-ish sound.

very true

2006-08-07T16:29:00.001-05:00

postsecret.blogspot.com

ok.

2006-07-27T18:58:00.000-05:00

the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why You brought me here
but just because You love me the way that You do
i'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to.

'cause i'm not who i was when i took my first step
and i'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to You
then i will go through the fire if You want me to.

it may not be the way i would have chosen
when You lead me through a world that's not my home
but You never said it would be easy
You only said i'd never go alone

so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear You answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and i will go through the valley if You want me to.
-g.owens

"you raise me up"

2006-05-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

"you raise me up to more than i can be"

so gorgeous. and very powerful.
take that josh groban.

...but i still like josh groban :)

(and does anyone else think the woman sounds black? she's fabulous. what a rich tone...)

randoms

2006-05-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

it's really amazing to see how some people have grown in their walk with God.
my computer networking card is busted. no internet on my computer, no connection to anything other computer in our house. so to print something from my computer, i have to put it on a floppy disk, and transfer it onto my dad's computer because my mom's doesn't have an floppy drive. but i still have to turn on my mom's computer because the printer is hooked up to it. so 3 computers. it's QUITE annoying.
oy. summer school. very stressed out. a lot of work. right now, in may, i'm taking bad girls of the bible: hebrew scriptures, piano for non-majors, and world music chorus. and then in june i'm taking bad girls of the bible: new testament. all the courses are pretty great, just a lot of work. except for choir.
there's this girl in my choir class that really gets on my nerves.
i hate practicing 4-note chords. i wish i had bigger hands.
i'm glad i got exempted from theory class. wicked :)
all my profs are super cool.
i'm glad to hear people really enjoyed the softball kickoff. i know we'll have a great season.
time goes by too fast...
it makes me really happy to hear that some people want to work hard at building relationships with people. i know it's not easy for some. i support you 100%
i miss my mommy.
the weather's been really great. it's so nice to see people at york just chilling on the grass.
God's the only one who holds your future, so don't be scared.
can you outgrow people?
you can do it. i'll be here for you.
if i start a choir for the summer, will people want to join?
sometimes, it totally pisses me off, but thank goodness for technology.
i'm having problems getting stuff out of my devos. i'm going through 2 Kings
how come our schedules always clash?
it's ok to think about the fuuuuuuture right?
did people actually do the holy week devotional?
some things never change.
but i'm glad some things never change.
this summer will be interesting.
i love you funcee :)
i'm liking this yahoo mail beta version.
i need to write my paper now...

quotable of the day

2006-05-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

"friends stab you in the front"

haha...i think that's pretty funny...but if you really think about it, it's quite true.

haha, thanks lunny. and lunch was fantastic. we need to do it again.

post-bamboozlement

2006-04-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

what i've learned:

don't trust internet pop-ups.
even if you're curious, don't give real information.
nothing is ever free.
never give your credit card information to someone you don't know.
trust your instincts more than strangers.
when in doubt, just say "no".
"450" will rarely mean "$4.50" in the business world.
reality is you can't trust everyone.
there are people who will take advantage of your naivete.
if something's too good to be true, it probably is.
always read the fine print. there's ALWAYS fine print.
never agree to something when you're confused.
you are always entitled to time to think.
even "goodie-goodies" make mistakes.
you are responsible for your own choices.
never be afriad to ask questions.
resolve issues directly, not over email.
do not be intimidated by sales tactics or legal lingo. in the end, it's just a person on the other end of the phone.
sometimes, you have to fight for yourself.
don't be afriad to admit to mistakes, but don't let people walk all over you.
some lessons are really costly. but all are valuable.
know how to protect yourself.
always deal with problems as soon as you can.
some mistakes aren't reversible.
sometimes, good intentions just aren't good enough.
when you have nothing to lose, don't give up.
always learn from past mistakes. and never do it again.
sometimes you can't make it on your own.
don't be afraid to ask for help.
parents will get mad at you. but they'll always fight for you.
"talk to your parents as soon as possible if there's something you know you can't solve yourself."
"we love you and always support you" -dad.

choruses from the rock

2006-04-04T21:21:00.000-05:00

The Eagle soars in the summit of Heaven,
The Hunter with his dogs pursues his circuit.
O perpetual revolution of configured stars,
O perpetual recurrence of determined seasons,
O world of spring and autumn, birth and dying
The endless cycle of idea and action,
Endless invention, endless experiment,
Brings knowledge of motion, but not of stillness;
Knowledge of speech, but not of silence;
Knowledge of words, and ignorance of the Word.
All our knowledge brings us nearer to our ignorance,
All our ignorance brings us nearer to death,
But nearness to death no nearer to GOD.
Where is the Life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
The cycles of Heaven in twenty centuries
Bring us farther from GOD and nearer to the Dust.
-T.S. Eliot

Abdul Rahman

2006-03-26T00:37:00.000-06:00

Canada concerned over Afghan facing death for rejecting Islam

Last Updated Tue, 21 Mar 2006 16:37:37 EST CBC News

Canada has joined the list of countries closely watching a court case in Afghanistan, where under Islamic law a man could be sentenced to death for rejecting Islam.

INDEPTH: Shariah law

"Canada will continue to encourage the Afghan government to adhere to its human rights obligations," Foreign Affairs spokeswoman Pamela Greenwell told Reuters Tuesday.

Italy and Germany, two other Western countries with troops stationed in Afghanistan, have also started to express concern over the case amid calls that their troops be pulled out.

INDEPTH: Canada in Afghanistan

Abdul Rahman became a Christian 16 years ago while working in Germany, but he was charged with rejecting Islam only in February, when his family denounced him during a custody battle over his two children.

Rahman, 41, is now in jail in Afghanistan and faces the death penalty unless he agrees to convert back to the faith in which he was raised, said the judge at the Shariah court. (Shariah is the legal code of Islam, based on the Qu'ran.)

INDEPTH: Afghanistan

"We will invite him again [to renounce Christianity] because the religion of Islam is one of tolerance," trial judge Ansarullah Mawlazezadah told the BBC on Sunday. "We will ask him if he has changed his mind. If so, we will forgive him."

The accused man's mental state will also be taken into account before the court passes sentence, Mawlazezadah added.

Constitution may prevent president's intervention

About 99 per cent of the 28 million citizens of Afghanistan are Muslim, and conservative Muslims dominate the country's judicial system.

The nation's constitution, drafted after the ultra-conservative Taliban government was forced from power four years ago, is based on Shariah law.

That factor makes it hard for liberals such as President Hamid Karzai to intervene in the Rahman case, though he is dependent on financial aid and military support from the West to fight off continuing threats from Taliban militants.

Western nations hint at pulling out troops

On Tuesday, politicians from Italy and German signalled they are unhappy that a man could be put to death merely for being a Christian.

Germany has about 2,700 soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. Italy has 1,775, compared to Canada's 2,200.

A former president of Italy, Francesco Cossiga, has proposed the country pull its troops out unless Rahman's life is spared.

"It is not acceptable that our soldiers should put themselves at risk or even sacrifice their lives for a fundamentalist, illiberal regime," Cossiga wrote in an open letter to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who faces a re-election battle next month.

Two German cabinet ministers have expressed similar concerns.

On Monday, U.S. State Department spokesman Sean McCormack also addressed the Rahman case.

"Tolerance, freedom of worship, is an important element of any democracy," he said. "These are issues, as Afghan democracy matures, that they are going to have to deal with increasingly."

-----

New hope for Afghan Christian convert facing death penalty

Last Updated Sat, 25 Mar 2006 16:56:55 EST CBC News

An Afghan man facing the death penalty for rejecting Islam and converting to Christianity "could be released soon", says a spokesman for President Hamid Karzai.

Abdul Rahman, a former Muslim, reportedly became a Christian 16 years ago. He is facing possible execution if he fails to revert back to Islam. (AP Photo/APTN/Ariana Television)

Saturday's statement from the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, comes as international pressure on Afghanistan builds over the case of Abdul Rahman, who was arrested under Islamic Shariah law.

Karzai and several cabinet ministers met in Kabul on Saturday to discuss the case, but afterwards declined to comment on the outcome of the talks.

Rahman, a former Muslim, reportedly became a Christian 16 years ago. He is facing possible execution if he fails to revert back to Islam.

A spokesman for Afghanistan's Supreme Court said Rahman may be psychologically unfit to stand trial in what was interpreted as a face-saving solution.

"For the sake of the national interest of 25 million Afghans, the president is trying to solve the issue," one Afghan official told the BBC.

Several countries with soldiers in Afghanistan, including the U.S., Canada, Italy, Germany and Australia, have voiced concern over the trial, which is to start in a few days, and its possible outcome.

Pope Benedict XVI has urged Karzai to pardon the convert, Italy's ANSA news agency said. His request, that human rights in the new Afghan constitution be respected, came in a letter written by the Vatican's number two official, Cardinal Angelo Sodano, the agency said.

A Vatican spokesman could not immediately confirm the report.

always on your side

2006-03-24T17:06:00.000-06:00

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side.

-s.crow

loving this song. and they're fabulous together :)

"how love works"

2006-02-25T23:52:00.000-06:00

found in one of my favourite sites.

http://science.howstuffworks.com/love.htm

i think it's kinda funny...hehe...

unbelievable.

2006-02-25T15:56:00.000-06:00

Chinese officials sentenced for selling stolen babies
Last Updated Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:59:51 EST

CBC News

The Chinese government has broken up a ring that bought stolen babies who were eventually adopted by foreign parents, the Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The ring operated for three years and sold 78 babies in 2005 alone.

The government said 10 people were sentenced for their parts in the crime.

The ring bought the babies from thieves and resold them to "welfare homes" (orphanages) in the southern city of Hengyang for about $575 each.

"The social welfare homes then had the infants adopted by foreigners who made donations," Xinhua said.

Foreigners often pay thousands of dollars to adopt a Chinese baby, particularly girls. Chinese officials are worried that foreigners may stop adopting children if they suspect the babies were stolen or purchased.

No details were provided about the children or their adoptive parents.

Three baby traffickers were sentenced to 15 years in jail and a $6,900 fine. Six accomplices received lesser sentences and the director of the Hengdong Social Welfare Home was sentenced to a year in prison. He is currently a fugitive.

Another 22 officials, including top administrators and orphanage directors, were fired for negligence, Xinhua said.

what a sad sad world we live in.

my art

2006-02-02T17:20:00.000-06:00

finally jumped on the bandwagon.
(i must say, it's really nice getting comments from anonymous ppl who like my art)

math quiz

2006-01-26T22:14:00.000-06:00

k, i hardly do these things...or i do and i never care enough to say anything about them, but let me just say that this was no surprise. i even used a pencil and paper! but the fractions scared me away. and i don't know what "^" means. sigh. they should at least tell you the answers at the end. sheesh.

You Failed 8th Grade Math

Oh no, you only got 6/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

random spurts

2006-01-25T22:53:00.000-06:00

*disclaimer: i'm slightly emotional right now, so don't take me too seriously. but i still pretty much mean what i say. think what you will.*

sometimes i wish i cared more. but sometimes i just don't.
can't things just be not messed up sometimes?
can people just stop thinking about themselves?
i don't like feeling needy.
how do you ask for a hug without it being weird?
so many things bother me.
i bother me.
why can't we all just get along?
would things be easier if i was a guy?
feelings get complicated.
girls can be so whack.
i wish i could make you feel better.
why is there so much talk about marriage lately?
sometimes i wish time can just stop so i can catch up.
waiting is hard.
crushes can be destructive. especially when you're in denial. and when you can't distance yourself anymore. stop convincing yourself it's ok.
mom said it best: boys are trouble.
you come and you go and you come and you go. can't you just stay forever?
there are so many things i wish i was good at.
can i really get through life sucking at math?
i wish change was easier.
i get really sad when my Christian friends seem to be living double lives. sometimes i think i'm one of them.
i'm really proud of you boys.
i like how you think i'm fun to talk to.
wouldn't you like to be encouraged more?
i wish you wouldn't be so bitter at life.
some people just need to grow up.
i want to be better.
why have i been blogging so much?
tv is the devil.
i feel responsible that you don't come to church anymore.
will better be the first to sign up for softball :)
sometimes i think i'm so easily shaken. sometimes i don't.
love is so hard. especially with family.
sometimes i wish i was someone else. sometimes i don't.
i like how i can talk to people about anything and everything. but sometimes i don't feel like i can at all.
it's sad to realise how superficial a friendship developed since childhood as become. it's sad to hear i've been reduced to "we grew up together". i tried. but this is your choice.
i need to get my act together.
i'd rather not think than not feel.
school can be such a pain in the everywhere.
it's sad when i think about how the person who has hurt me like i've never been hurt before in my life is a pastor. how do you know when you've forgiven someone?
people who try to get into teacher's college as a back up plan piss me off. people who actually end up getting in piss me off even more. don't kids deserve more than that?
my mom is my hero.
i want to save the world.
i want to believe that change can happen.
you are more than what you've become.

till next time...take care of yourself and each other.
i mean it.

why

2006-01-24T15:06:00.000-06:00

why does the moon get so full
she asked with a questioning face
and who's gonna keep me warm
why did my daddy walk away
why can't i live in a house
on a hill or far away
what does the moon get so full
and my belly stay empty for days

why does one child die
and another one gets to live
why do i even ask why
oh, it's the sign of the times closing on in
why can't we hear our own lies
and search for the truth again
why does one child die
and another one gets to live

they say it's a twist of fate
gets you in or takes you out
providential circumstance
isn't that what's life all about

well, go tell that to the widow and orphan
well, preach that to the hungry and the poor
numb my heart and my hands
i can't feel them i can't feel them
i can't feel them anymore

why do we climb up the ladder
just to buy a bigger roof
so we can stand and look down below
and say we've got something to prove

we all wear those coloured ribbons
a tiny sign of a much bigger need
"it's the thought that counts" is not an answer
but the price is rather cheap
they say it's a twist of fate
gets you in or takes you out
providential circumstance
isn't that what's life all about

well, go tell that to the widow and orphan
well, preach that to the hungry and the poor
numb my heart and my hands
i can't feel them i can't feel them
i can't feel them anymore

so why speak your cold solutions
and your warm but empty ways
please don't show me your clean hands
when i see on mine only dirt
and don't avoid the faces of the orphans
they cry to be caught from the fall
tell her why her stomach is empty
and why the moon is so full
-r.springer

(click for one of my favourite galleries online. robbie, you'll like this one)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -james 1:27

when the night feels my song

2006-01-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

i've been feeling these guys...well, at least this song.
for new year's, syd and i were at nathan phillips and bedouin soundclash was there. their reggae-ness caught us offguard. but it seemed like everyone knew who they were and sang along during the rather catchy chorus, i must say. well, i find it catchy now....but that night we were both like, "who the heck are these guys??" bunch ofwhite guys playing reggae from kingston...ontario. tonight i was buying a sandwich at york and it was playing in the background and i was like...hey, these guys! and then all of a sudden i felt like sunshine :) this is catchy feel good stuff! i ask my friends every now and then whether they've heard of bedouin soundclash, and their answers are always no.

well friends, i present to you:

bedouin soundclash with "when the night feels my song"

so...what do you think?

election 2006

2006-01-17T10:54:00.000-06:00

i've never been one to be interested in politics. i know i'm not alone. most of you who read this are probably as disengaged as i am when it comes to the issues surrounding the election, or any election for that matter. heck, even the percentage of young people voting in our church regarding church matters is tiny so i'm not surprised that youths in general are disengaged from politics.

for me, it's just tough to understand all the issues. the political jargon confuses me and i don't know how the issues and promises affect me. i want to be able to vote as an informed citizen, but my lack of knowledge discourages me. i'd rather not vote at all than to make an uninformed decision. i'm just one vote. what could it do?

i'm starting to see how important it is to keep up with what's going on in our country and the people who run it on a regular basis, especially when there's no election or crazy political scandal going on. if you try and get familiar with all the issues and where each party stands (btw, did you know there's a marijuana party?) a couple of weeks before election date, it'll be too overwhelming cuz there's so much information, so much history. i've always wanted to stay informed with canadian as well as global issues, but often it's just so hard to keep up and then i end up giving up...until something major happens, that always has to do with something in the past so i can't completely understand what's going on so i try to read up on everything i've missed but so many things have happened, i get discouraged, and the cycle starts again.

i know i'm not alone.

for this election, i'm trying to be as informed as i can be and vote so i can excercise my right and responsibility to voice out my opinion as a Canadian citizen. i know i am an idealist so i believe that my vote matters. i believe that our society can be more peaceful and embracing of the diversity in our culture, without compromising my values. although everyone knows that i don't handle money and figures well, i do believe that our country can be a better place if money was spent in more appropriate areas.

i don't know everything there is to know but there are certain issues that matter to me more than others and i think it's ok to vote based on those. i personally don't care too much about military defence, trade, political reform, or even taxes, but the issues regarding education, child-care, the arts, and the environment are those that i want a say on. some people only vote based on one thing...like how i feel the church encourages us to vote solely based on how parties view the same-sex marriage issue. i might get in trouble for saying this, but i don't feel that it should have any more weight than any other issue discussed. i don't even feel like it's as important as some of the other thinge being discussed. there's something that doesn't quite jive in me when church leaders encourage us to vote but they only seem to tell us the significance of this one same-sex marriage issue because it directly goes against what it says in the bible. reality check: take a look around. nothing in our secular society is how God meant things to be. it's great that we're encouraged to go on whatever rallies to fight against the same-sex marriage deal, but why aren't we encouraged to get involved with other issues like tuition fees, firearm laws, childcare programs, or support for seniors? the church encourages us to vote, but i think it can also do it's part in helping young people to be informed with other issues in our government so we can have a wider, more balanced worldview. i think the political parties don't do enough to engage youth in matters of the government too but i think most of us are old enough to do their research.

for me, i'm glad to read about how elementary schools and highschools are participating in programs where they get to do mock elections (because they're not old enough to legally vote) after learning about the real issues, leaders, and parties. it's amazing reading about kids being passionate about politics and understanding that they have the potential to change the future of our country if they're committed to being educated. that's incredible. it's so simple. i wish that people could have instilled that in me when i was younger so i wouldn't be scrambling to understand everything now. but it's never too late. so i encourage you to do what you can in making an informed decision this coming election. talk to people about it. parents are great for this kind of stuff. read the newspaper. watch the news or read about it online. excercise your voice as a citizen. believe that your vote matters. believe that you can make a difference.

some things that can hopefully help you (you can click on the images):

this is a side by side comparison of the issues and each party's stance on them from the globe and mail.

this is an interactive page from cbc that's similar to the one above but you click on each issue and it'll say what each party thinks. sort of side by side, but just one issue at a time.

i thought this was pretty cool. and fun too. you choose the parties you want to consider and it'll take you through 12 issues each party is addressing. it'll give you each party's stance on the issue without telling you who said what, so you click on agree or disagree based on what has been said about the issue. at the end, i'll tell you which party you most agree and disagree with, as well as what you've chosen not to agree or disagree with. the results page will take you to links that will help you to understand each issue more indepthly.

i really appreciate how some tv programs geared towards youth are covering the election and helping young people get involved so this is definitely worth checking out. and the fact that it's under the "big deal"on their main page is awesome.

and lastly, this you must do:

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. As you make your requests, plead for God's mercy upon them, and give thanks. Pray this way for kings and all others who are in authority, so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior, for he wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth. -1 tim 2:1-4

election day: january 23, 2006

a quick look back

2006-01-01T23:53:00.000-06:00

it's true. people never take pictures of the sad moments. i've had lots of them this year. it's definitely been stretching, but it's also been the sweetest year too. it's a blessing to wake up every morning and realise that family and friends are solid no matter the distance or circumstance. i don't want to get sappy, so thanks. y'all know who you are. cheers...

These are the special times
Times we'll remember
These are the precious times, the tender times
We'll hold in our hearts forever
These are the sweetest times
These times together
And through it all one thing will always be true
The special times are the times I share with you
-c.dion

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
-ps. 90:12

take me in

2005-12-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
-n.nordeman

ESC Christmas dinner 2005

strong enough

2005-11-28T00:45:00.000-06:00

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
-s.crow

someone told me to be honest. just say what you feel. wrestle with it. be mad if you have to. see what God does with it. even when it doesn't seem to make any sense.
i took the risk to share.
i feel like it was a mistake.
i know it's my fault. my mess. my consequences.
and then there are the things that are completely out of my control too.
i can't justify how i feel. i don't even really know if that's how i really feel. i don't know how i'm supposed to feel. but then someone said there's no how you're "supposed" to feel. what you feel is what you feel. just be honest.
i thought i was.
and deep down i think i knew how convoluted my perspective had become.
but i was honest.
and broken.
broked.

how do you know when you're supposed to slap someone in the face to wake them up or just be a friend and listen, no matter how stupid they're being? if your friend was crying and struggling to pour her heart to you because she knows it's dumb but does so anyway, and you think that she's totally unreasonable and downright ridiculous, in that moment, would you tell her that?
who can handle that?
i'm not strong enough.

i feel so stupid.
for being honest.
i was honestly stupid.
or stupidly honest.
i know i'm narrowminded right now. for the moment, my world is just me. it's so wrong. it has to be. is it unfair to ask that no one take me seriously cuz i'm just mad at myself and i'll say stupid things? stupidly honest things?

God's taking care of you. i know.
you can do it. i know.
just work hard. i know.
try your best. i know.
smile! i'll try.
let me pray for you. thanks.
for the hug, the understanding, the kiss, the shoulder, the ears, the smile, the pat, the tissue, the oversized napkin. thanks.
for the unexpected tears you wiped away when we were casually talking about worship team, thanks.
for telling me how to cry so my eyes don't end up puffy, thanks a million.

you, my first pair of listening ears, my brother, my lunch buddy, my man of honour, would you be strong enough to tell me if i was being ridiculous?
and you, who obviously are strong enough, would things have been different if we were on the phone?
and me, did you need that to make you come to your senses?

i'm still hurting.
i'm still confused.
i'm still tired
i'm still struggling.
i'm still alone.
i'm still behind.
i'm still not strong enough.
but i'm not angry anymore. at least not at you. or You.
and i'm starting to get unstuck. because of you. of You.

i can be so SO difficult.
what can i say, i'm a girl.
and an artist.
i feel too much. do too little.
or do too much, at all the wrong times.
i'm a perfectionist.
but an expert procrastinator.
a productive procrastinator.
just productive with the wrong things.
sometimes i care too much.
sometimes i care too little.
i can be so ridiculous.
i can be so unloveable.
i'm sorry i can be such a jerk.

i don't know how you do it, but you're strong enough.
i may have the man arms, but you're strong enough.
thank you. i must work you out hard.
and You, always always strong enough.
even when i'm too ME to see it.
You're working me like whoa.
maybe so i can be strong enough too.
for what?
i don't know.
but when i'm not,
You are.
and that's enough.

faith and endurance

2005-11-27T13:13:00.000-06:00

Dear brothers and sisters,whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.

Christians who are poor should be glad, for God has honored them. And those who are rich should be glad, for God has humbled them. They will fade away like a flower in the field. The hot sun rises and dries up the grass; the flower withers, and its beauty fades away. So also, wealthy people will fade away with all of their achievements.

God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else either. Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.

Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows. In his goodness he chose to make us his own children by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his choice possession. (-James 1:2-18)

"cuz now i'm stronger than yesterday,
now it’s nothing but my way
my loneliness ain’t killing me no more
i-i-i-i-i-i'm .....stronger"?

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, no.

(and eww. have i done the unthinkable and quoted britney?)

everybody hurts

2005-11-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, hold on, hold on
If you feel like letting go, hold on
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone.
-rem

i have to believe

2005-11-03T23:35:00.000-06:00

I have to believe He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It's where my help comes from

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain too

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven and made me whole
I have to believe
-r.springer

hanging on tight. i have to believe.
i know you do too. you know who you are...

be still, my soul

2005-11-02T23:27:00.000-06:00

Be still, my soul,
The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God, to order and provide.
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul,
Your best your heavenly friend,
Through thorny waves leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul,
Your God will undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul,
The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he lived below.

Be still, my soul,
Be still, my soul,
Be still.
-g.owens

i know it'll be ok in the end...i do...

mercies new

2005-10-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

Is it fair to say I was lured away?
By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will
Is the better one to blame
For this familiar mess I've made again

So I would understand, if you were out of patience
And I would understand, if I was out of chances

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

The distance left between East and West
Is how far You would go to forget the debt I owe
And thrown into the sea, the wicked ways in me
Will never have a chance to wash back on the sand

So I would understand, if you would make me pay
I would understand, lying in the bed I made again

Up comes the sun on every one of us
Gone, gone, gone the guilt and shame that knew your name

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new
-n.nordeman

grace found me...

worth it all

2005-10-23T21:43:00.000-05:00

I don't understand your ways
Oh but I will give you my song
give you all of my praise
you hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways

Now around every corner
up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
or water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of your face
is all that I'm needing
I will say to you

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
I believe this.
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
I believe this.
-r. springer

i don't know if i do right now, but i know i really want to...

first love

2005-10-22T01:04:00.000-05:00

I used to be the one
Who would long to hear your voice
A child who sought to win his Father's heart
But as I carried on
Life got a hold on me
Now here I am, a child so far from home

Tell me when did I lose my first love?
Where did the fire and passion go?
Burn in me Your holy fire
Give me back my lost desire
And restore in me the love I felt for You

Can I remember how it felt
When they looked into my face
And they saw the love of Jesus in my eyes
When I look back on my life
And question where I've been
Can I really say I've done my best for you?

Oh, where did I go?
(I've lost my way, I've lost my love, I'm all alone)
Oh, I'm lost and I'm alone
Oh, help me please
Lord, lead me home

Father take me back
And let me start again
Lord, I've failed and I've fallen in my pride
But lead me back to you
Where my life began
Revive in me the yearning that has died
-avalon

the real world

2005-10-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

beautiful but broken

http://www.amivitale.com/main.html

snippit from a tribute to quincy jones

2005-10-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

Strong women, or
women who just
wish they were strong,
need strong brothers
more than they need attentive lovers
or indulgent husbands.
They need brothers who have the courage
to say, your most recent behavior
does not become you --straighten up.
They need brothers who say,
you are brilliant and beautiful. Continue.
-M. Angelou

...couldn't have said it better myself.

troy

2005-10-15T13:20:00.000-05:00

"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"

i've been wondering...

2005-10-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

why is it always "beef"?
as in "blahblah has beef with blahblah..."

why can't it be chicken?
or veal?
or fish?
or lobster?
or for my vegan friends, broccoli?
but no.
beef has some kind of monopoly when it comes to drama.
maybe it's about time we gave other meats a chance:

"sheesh. there's always some kinda mutton goin' on..."

you found me

2005-10-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

you found me
when no one else was looking
how did you know just where i would be
you broke through all of my confusion
the ups and the downs and you still didn't leave
i guess that you saw what nobody could see
the good and the bad and the things (everything) in between
you found me
-k.clarkson

"what are you looking at?"

2005-10-07T00:30:00.001-05:00

"The Blind"

i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes...

2005-09-22T16:42:00.000-05:00

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

exposed...very exposed...

2005-09-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

alright. i've been meaning to blog for a while, but i've never found it in me to. i know some ppl are asking about my lack of posts and stuff. i don't feel like i've ever updated regularly but yeah. i don't really know where to start but...ok. i don't usually write anything too personal on here...kind of make it a point not to, so this will be tremendous jump for me. i feel like i need to share this. do with it what you will. i guess take it as an fyi kinda thing...just so you know.

summer's coming to a close and it's definitely been one of the best summers ever, but also more bittersweet than i could have ever imagined. i've experienced so much joy, encouragement, excitement, fun, and love, but at the same time i've had my share of disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and helplessness. i'm not sure if i'm ready for the changes that i know the end of summer will bring. but they'll happen regardless. i know i'll be stretched, i know we'll be stretched.

i guess right now i'm just referring to one thing. i know ppl are wondering if i'm ok, afraid to bring it up with me. i guess i'm a little conflicted right now. i know i'm ok with what has to happen. i'm so excited to see what God's going to do. i know it's an awesome opportunity...tremendous time of growth. i know all of that, and i really do believe it from the bottom of my heart. i support this 100%. i'm glad this is happening.

but at the same time, i've never felt this sad before. i don't even know if sad is the right word, but i can't find another word right now. it's going to be hard. it's going to be very different. it's not even the distance that matters. it's just the sheer absence that makes all the difference. sometimes i don't even know how to feel. it's probably not even a big deal. but sometimes i can't help but to feel that it is. it's going to take a lot of time to adjust. i know it's going to be ok. i'm going in circles but i don't care anymore. i just feel the need to get this out.

i've known this was going to happen for over 2 years. i'm committed to handling this maturely. i know it's God's plan and i'm so happy that it's so clear. but the time i've spent years preparing myself for is finally here and i don't know if i'm as strong as i'd like to be. i feel like i've had to be strong and unshaken the whole way through. our families talk about it, our friends talk about it, we talk about it, and through it all i feel like i've had to smile and nod and pretend to be unaffected. i'm afraid to cry because i don't want things to be harder than they have to be. i want to be strong. emotions are a weakness right now. but if being strong means having no emotions and just shrugging it off, then i know it's not going to happen.

i know a year is just a moment compared to everything else i have faith will come after. even this year that'll most likely end up being the beginning of 3 years is just a moment. but right now, i just really want a moment where i can feel like it's ok to be sad. i feel like i haven't been able to. i haven't been able to feel like i'm allowed to. i just want a moment where i'm allowed to be sad. REALLY sad. i just want a moment where i can feel ok to feel what i feel. i just want a moment where i don't have to be strong. where i don't have to be the one taking care of everyone else. just a moment where i can cry without hearing ppl say that i'm such a girl, or that i'm so distraught, or hear of ppl's plans for forming a support group with me. i don't need to be reminded that it's not that far, that it's not that long. and please don't tell me that i can't be selfish and i need to let go. it makes me so angry. if it makes you feel wiser, bigger, or stronger than me then fine. i'll give you the pleasure of knowing i heard you. but don't for one second get smug and think that you've enlightened me in any way. i've spent years thinking about this. over 2 years preparing myself for the moment when i know i have to let go. i know i'm not being selfish. i know what love requires. i've never not wanted this to happen for my own sake or comfort. i asked not to be included or considered in the decision. i know what God's will is, and i'm so glad it's crystal clear for both of us. i know this is best. sure, it's hard, but i wouldn't want it any other way. i know amazing things will come from this and i'm honestly so excited to see what God has in store. i would never want to hold him back from the very best that God has planned. time apart is hard, but if that's what it takes then i'll gladly let go. so don't get all love-guru on me. i don't need help. i don't need pity. i just need a space and time to be safe enough to cry if i need to. i want to be allowed to feel sad...just for a moment.

yesterday was the softball banquet. i know i've said this time and time again, but i'm honestly so proud of our team and how far we've come. our goal was never to win an award, but rather focus on being a team that God would be pleased with. it was such a phenominal accomplishment by the entire team. no gov could be more proud and honoured to have been a part of this team. yesterday night was so SO great. but i know some ppl feel like they've seen a part of me they've never seen before too. it was so bittersweet because people were missing and i don't think i've ever expressed that sadness that overtly. i've never had to. not that i wasn't happy, and not that no one else mattered, the night just felt incomplete. experiencing such joy and not being able to share it the one person you want to the most is quite heartbreaking. that was my jerry maguire moment. maybe it's just something i have to get used to.

so that's me. really me. so "am i ok?" yeah. "REALLY?" yup. "am i sad?" absolutely. "so...i'm ok?" definitely. it's gonna be alright.

Most Appreciated Team: Lights 2005

anyway

2005-07-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

bless the day this restoration is complete
dirty, dusty, something must be underneath
so i scrape and i scuff though it's never quite enough
i am starting to see me, finally

a gallery of paintings new and paintings old
guess it's no surprise i'm no michaelangelo
every layer of mine hides a lovely design
it might take a little patience
it might take a little time

but you called me beautiful
when you saw my shame
and you placed me on the wall
anyway

you who have begun this work will finally see
a portrait of the holiness you meant for me
so i polish and shine 'till it's eaiser to find
even an outline of mine

but you called me beautiful
when you saw my shame
and you placed me on the wall
anyway
-n.nordeman

i can't understand this but this is what i need to hear from You. time and time again You remind me of this. you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

bittersweet

2005-07-11T23:02:00.000-05:00

time sure does fly...

"tho it's not clear to me, every season has its change
and i will see you when the sun comes out again..."

brave

2005-06-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

i love her.

so nichole nordeman was at willowcreek and the person before me in line was the last to get her autograph. sigh. oh well. i'm glad i still go the cd tho. and bobby got me her first cd for like...no reason! how nice :) now i have all of them...other than the live one, but i don't really want that one. i love how honest her lyrics are. she's a fantastic story teller. and dude, this girl's hilarious! who woulda known.

she told us about this girl that she met when she was on tour. i think she was on the team that helps her out and stuff...i don't quite remember. but she was one of those christians that seemed TOO happy, all the time. hallelujah's in every sentence. just irritatingly friendly. and somewhere along the line, she decided to be best friends with nichole (yes, i call her nichole cuz it's like we're tight or something.) but something in her told her that, y'kno what, no one can be this happy all the time. there must be something deeper going on here, more than she let's on. but she ignored it. it got to the point where she would try to do everything she could to avoid her. she just couldn't be bothered by someone like her.

one day, one of her friends go up to her and said, hey did you hear about meredith? and nichole's response was, sigh...now what? apparently the night before she had taken her own life. she went on to say that just the huge amount of shame she felt for turning someone like that away when she saw all the warning signs was just overwhelming. i really appreciate her for sharing something so personal, so real. she may be crazy talented, but she's just like you and me...missing opportunities to reach out to those around us, or worse, choosing not to. every moment counts. you never know how much one moment can impact someone's life. every moment counts.

For Meredith and all I wish I’d said.

It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle’s end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger’s bed

It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you’ve called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge’s highest ledge

So baby don’t look down, it’s a long way
The sun will come around to a new day

So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He’s right behind you now
Just turn around
And love will find you

It will find you when the doctor’s head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you’re praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed

So baby don’t believe that it’s over
Maybe you can’t see ‘round the corner…

To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it, you're worth it

so full...

2005-05-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

k, really, I'M SO FULL. i haven't felt this full in a looooooong time. i can barely move, it's terrible. i feel like Shamu.

we just had our lights potluck and let me just say that i love my team already. i was worried that not enough ppl would show up, that we wouldn't have enough food, so i prepared a lot more than i had to. and in the end we had more than enough. about half of our team showed up (again) but i was so encouraged by how well everyone got along with each other. i had a lot of fun tonight starting to get to know ppl who were new to the team and i totally look forward to more get-togethers like this just to hang out together as a team. i'm really glad that so many ppl on the team realise that being on lights isn't just about playing softball...but that it's about fellowship, about building friendships, about being a unified team on and off the field. just the fact that ppl were willing to come to something that wasn't about playing softball but just getting to know each other and having fun together means the world.

i think we're off to a great start and i know God can do wonders on our team if we can keep on going and staying on the right track. i'm pretty excited to see where God will take us this season :)

"...light it up, light it up, light that softball spirit up!"

wedding dress

2005-04-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

(chorus)

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife
-d.webb

wow. i've never heard a christian song quite as forward and painfully honest as this one. never even mentions God or Jesus or whatever christianese goes into "christian contemporary music", whatever that is... wow.

good friday

2005-03-26T14:32:00.000-06:00

From prison and trial they led him away to his death.
But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins
--that he was suffering their punishment? -Is. 53:8

waking the dead -v. the glory hidden in your heart

2005-03-22T19:07:00.001-06:00

Do you remember that though he made the heavens and the earth in all their glory, the desert and the open sea, the meadow and the Milky Way, and said, "It is good," it was only after he made you that he said, "It is very good"(Gen. 1:31). Think of it: your original glory was greater than anything that's ever taken your breath away in nature.

As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. (Ps. 16:3)

God endowed you with a glory when he created you, a glory so deep and mythic that all creation pales in comparison. A glory unique to you, just as your fingerprints are unique to you, just as the way you laugh is unique to you. Somewhere down deep inside we've been looking for that glory ever since. A man wants to know that he is truly a man, that he could be brave; he longs to know that he is a warrior; and all his life he wonders, "Have I got what it takes?" A woman wants to know that she is captivating; and all her life she wonders, "Do I have a beauty to offer?" The poet Yeats wrote:

If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.
("Before the World was Made" from the poem "A Woman Young and Old")

Yes, that's it. When you take a second glance in the mirror, when you pause to look again at a photograph, you are looking for a glory you know you were meant to have, if only becuase you know you long to have it. You remember faintly that you were once more than what you have become. Your story didn't start with sin, and thank God, it does not end with sin. It ends with glory restored: "Those he justified, he also glorified" (Rom. 8:30). And "in the meantime," you have been transformed, and you are being transformed. You've been given a new heart. Now God is restoring your glory. He is bringing you fully alive. Because the glory of God is you fully alive. [...]

MUFASA: Simba.
SIMBA: Father?
MUFASA: Simba, you have forgotten me.
SIMBA: No! How could I?
MUFASA: You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba...you are more than what you have become.
SIMBA: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
MUFASA: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.

Remember who you are. You are more than what you've become.

Whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. -2 Cor. 3:16-18

what's up with me

2005-03-22T00:14:00.000-06:00

[a snippit from an email to a brother of mine]

i don't know if you know, but i've been working at a public school since october. dennis works there and i got the job because they were looking for someone to paint a mural in the school hallway with the kids. so dennis told the principal about me, i went in for an interview and everything was set. it was a contract thing, so i got paid a set amount to get the job done. it was really cool..to be in a school setting and doing art with grade 5's. there was one day when the "supernintendo" came to visit the school. apparently he comes max once a year, if at all, and the day he came i just so happened to be there working. so susan, the principal, introduced us and told him what i've been doing with the kids. he saw the mural and everything and thanked me for the difference i was making in the school. he said that i was very talented and i could make a career of it. the next week, susan came by when i was working to see how i was doing and she told me that supernintendo trevor has been talking about me to other schools and stuff and i was just like...wow. haha. i don't exactly want to spend my life painting murals in schools, but i had such a sense of peace after that. that month had been very stressful because my petition to remove the fails from first year had fell through and i was pretty much stuck...it was pretty stressful dealing with administration and of course what happened first year always comes back to bite me. but when i heard that, i got all warm and fuzzy inside..haha...like...just a great sense of peace. it was like God saying, look, i'm going to take care of you.

anyway, so before the mural was done susan asked me if i was interested in doing this tutors in the classroom program. basically, it's something for university/college students to work in a school for a total of 100 hrs for $10/hr. and you can take however long you need to complete the 100 hrs. i've actually done it with the york region board before when i was working in the library at the school anthea taught at in my first year. the good thing about the program is that you get paid through the school board, so you're permanently on their record and it counts for a lot in teacher's college apps. so of course, i applied and took the job. at that time, the school was preparing for their first school play and asked me to paint backdrops for it. so when the mural was done near the end of dec, i spent the beginning of january getting those done. that took up almost half of the hours i needed for the tutors in the classroom thing. at first i was a little concerned that i wouldn't have anything else to do to fill up the rest of my hours. but cecile, the gr5 teacher i was working with/under, asked me to teach her art lessons so i thought that was great. i've been doing that ever since. it's been really good experience, planning the lessons, teaching the kids, working more closely with them. i moved from the hallway to the classroom. hehe. i've been getting good feedback on that...it's been really encouraging and i've been learning a lot about what it takes to teach. apparently i'm a natural. haha...i think i just have the "show no fear" attitude...cuz it can be darn nerve-racking sometimes. i only have about 10 hrs left to do, but i told susan that i would stick around just for the experience and i'm really enjoying it. the school has this author's appreciation thing coming up in may where each kid in the school will have something published..a story, or just an illustration for jk/sks...to display. susan asked if i could teach each class a little art lesson to improve their drawing skills. that would be awesome cuz then i would have had experience teaching jk-gr5 instead of just focusing on the grade 5's. so i agreed to do that and apparently teachers have already been asking for me.

(wow, this is a long story...almost comes close to syd's "how i got into chiropody" story...and i'm not done. you may take 5 if needed. hehe..)

so for the past while, i've been thinking about summer plans. i can't work at daycamp this year because of summer school that ends july 9th, so that's and odd date too. i was thinking of urban promise because i miss it, but i was worried about the logistics of it becuase i wouldn't have the time to lead a team, and i would like to make some money in the summer so i can take care of myself for next year. i thought about the paid position at the scott mission camp thing in caledon, but i found out that i'd have to stay overnight and i don't want to do that becuase of my softball commitment too. so i was thinking about that a lot cuz i don't want to waste my summer.

2 weeks ago, susan told me about a "learning through the arts program" where students/artists are hired by different school through the program for a few days a year. for those days they work closely with the teacher to use the arts to directly teach curriculum material. so using art to teach social studies, dance to teach math, music to teach english...it's pretty cool. so she gave me information on how i can maybe be one of those students who can be called on to teach visual art. once you're in the program, you can be hired again and again. it's kind of like being an on-call. but anyway, that's an aside thing. she also gave me 4 application forms for helping out with summer schools through the tdsb. they're all paying jobs, half a day, for the month of july. i told her that i probably wouldn't be able to do them because summer school ends late for me, but she gave them to me anyway.

i put the package away for a few days. out of the blue i checked the schedules for the summer classes i want to take and it just so happens that my last summer school class starts at 5:30 and the summer school positions were for the morning. so that quickly prompted me to look throug the applications again. one of them was an office clerk/secretary, one was for a classroom assistant, one for a hall monitor, and one for a literacy camp. so turns out that i can be availabe to do this. only the first week of the jobs would over lap with my summer school schedule, but not really cuz the work day would be over and i'd have time to go to my own class afterwards. all the positions pay $15.25/hr so that's not bad at all...except for the hall monitor one that's $16.25 but cecile told me to run away from that because it's a terrible thing to do for a full month..haha...dealing with punks who don't want to go to class. anyway, so i read more into the literacy camp one, and not only do they help kids learn to read better, but they also do art, drama, and sports. that's the only one that's for the entire day too. ends at 3..and i'd still be able to make it to my class ok. that one was like...WHOA. TOTALLY fits me. so i applied for that and the classroom assistant one. incidentally, the day that i picked up the package again was the day before the applications were due so i had just enough time to get them done and send them in. for the applications, it came with a list of tdsb schools that had the summer school programs so i got to choose which top 3 locations i would like to be at. becuase all of them start at 8:30, transportation would be an issue because it would be so early in the morning and they're not york region schools. but i talked to my mom about it and there were schools on the list that were on the way to my dad and mom's work places so they would be able to drop me off. so that's awesome.

now, when i step back to think of everything, every little piece that's been fitting together, i'm so amazed. the past couple of months God's really been telling me that he's taking care of my future. i don't have to worry because he has a plan for me and i can set my mind at east about that. my first year at york was rough and i got rejected from the con ed program because of it. i'm still dealing with the consequences of that, but in the midst of everything, it's like God is telling me that everything is under control. i just need to focus on my tasks now and do my best in school like he's called me to. i'm so blessed because i've never actually had to job search. everything has been given to me..landed right in my lap. i've been asked for to work...even with daycamp. i've never had to struggle to work at all. and i'm the one who's in this "useless" visual art program. it's so encouraging because i know that the unique talents God has given me are being put to use. i know i'm meant to do this and i'm proud of how God made me, an artist.

waking the dead -iii. the heart of all things

2005-03-02T19:41:00.000-06:00

You are never a great man if you have more mind than heart.

-Beauchene

On her journey down the yellow brick road -a journey, may I remind you, that grows more dangerous every step she takes- Dorothy meets a number of strange sights. She befriends the Scarecrow, and later the two of them come upon a lumberjack made of tin, standing utterly still in the forest, his ax frozen in midair. At first, he seems unable to speak. Coming closer, they discover that he is trying to say something after all. Oil...can. After a bit more misunderstanding and misinterpretation, they get the oil can to the joints of his mouth, only to find that he can speak as well as any man, but that he was rusted. Once he is freed from his prison, he begins to tell his story.

Now the movie left out a crucial point, which the author gave in his original fairy tale. The Tin Woodman had once been a real man, who had been in love with a beautiful maiden. It was his dream to marry her, once he could earn enough money to build them a cottage in the woods. The Wicked Witch hated his love, and she cast spells upon the man that caused him injury, so that one by one his limbs needed to be replaced with artifical ones, made of tin. At first it seemed an advantage, for his metal frame allowed him to work nearly as powerfully as a machine. With a heart of love and arms that never tired, he seemed sure to win.

"I thought I had beated the Wicked Witch then, and I worked harder than ever; but I little knew how cruel my enemy could be. She thought of a new way to kill my love for the beautiful Munchkin maiden, and made my axe slip again, so that it cut right through my body, splitting it into two halves. Once more the tinner came to my help and made me a body of tin. Fastening my tin arms and legs and head to it, by means of joints, so that I could move around as well as ever. But alas! I now had no heart, so that I lost all my love for the Munchkin girl, and did not care whether I married her or not...

"My body shone so brightly in the sun that I felt very proud of it and it did not matter now if my axe slipped, for it could not cut me. There was only one danger -that my joints would rust; but I kept an oil-can in the cottage and took care to oil myself whenever I needed it. However, there came a day when I forgot to do this, and, being caught in a rainstorm, before I had thought of the danger my joints had rusted, and I was left to stand in the woods until you came to help me.

"It was a terrible thing to undergo, but during the year I stood there I had time to think that the greatest loss I had known was the loss of my heart. While I was in love I was the happiest man on earth; but no one can love who has not a heart, and so I am resolved to ask Oz to give me one. If he does, I will go back to the Munchkin maiden and marry her."
Both Dorothy and the Scarecrow had been greatly interested in the story of the Tin Woodman, and now they knew why he was so anxious to get a new heart. "All the same," said the Scarecrow, "I shall ask for brains instead of a heart; for a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one." "I shall take the heart," returned the Tin Woodman; "for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world." (L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)

Notice, there was a man who was once real and alive and in love. But after a series of blows, his humanity was reduced to efficiency. He became a sort of machine -a hollow man. At first, he did not even notice, for his condition made him an excellent woodman, as any person can become productive like a machine when he forgoes his heart. Notice also that it was the Wicked Witch who brought the disaster upon him. Baum's mythic tale reminds us that the Enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and all his forces are fixed upon its destruction. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of God, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you, and you are essential to the Story.

You'll notice he's been rather effective.

I find it almost hard to believe a case must be made that this heart is...well, at the heart of it all. Of life. Of each person. Of God. And of Christianity. But our Enemy has come against us, and now we are all in some way like the Tin Woodman. We, too, have suffered a series of blows over time. And we, too, have seized upon efficiency, busyness, and productivity as the life we will live instead. Now we are lost. Dazed. Alert and oriented times zero. Sleepwalking through life. In order to find our way ouf ot these woods, we must return to the heart.

THE HEART IS CENTRAL

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Prov. 4:23

waking the dead -i. arm yourselves

2005-03-01T21:11:00.000-06:00

WE ARE AT WAR

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)

Have you ever wondered why Jesus married those two statements? Did you even know he spoke them at the same time? I mean, he says them in one breath. And he has his reasons. By all means, God intends life for you. But right now that life is opposed. It doesn't just roll in on a tray. There is a thief. He comes to steal and kill and destroy. In other words, yes, the offer is life, but you're going to have to fight for it because there's an Enemy in your life with a different agenda.

There is something set against us.

We are at war.

How I've missed this for so long is a mystery to me. Maybe I've overlooked it; maybe I've chosen not to see. We are at war. I don't like that fact any more than you do, but the sooner we come to terms with it, the better hope we have of making it through to the life we do want. This is not Eden. You probably figured that out. This is not Mayberry; this is not Seinfeld's world; this is not Survivor. The world in which we live is a combat zone, a violent clash of kingdoms, a bitter struggle unto the death. I'm sorry if I'm the one to break this news to you: you were born into a world at war, and you will live all your days in the midst of a great battle, involving all the forces of heaven and hell and played out here on earth.

Where did you think all this opposition was coming from?

Earlier in the Story, back in the beginning of our time on earth, a great glory was bestowed upon us. We all -men and women- were created in the image of God. Fearfully and wonderfully made, fashioned as living icons of the bravest, wisest, most stunning Person who ever lived. Those who have ever seen him fell to their knees without even thinking about it, as you find yourself breathless before the Grand Canyon or the Alps or the sea at dawn. That glory was shared with us; we were, in Chesterton's phrase, "statues of God walking about in a Garden," endowed with a strength and beauty all our own. All that we ever wished we could be, we were -and more. We were fully alive.

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers -the moon and the stars you have set in place- what are mortals that you should think of us, mere humans that you should care for us? For you made us only a little lower than God, and you crowned us with glory and honor. (Ps. 8:3-5)

I daresay we've heard a bit about original sin, but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper to our nature. We were crowned with glory and honour. Why does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war.

For lurking in that Garden was an Enemy. This mighty angel had once been glorious as well, the captain of the Lord's hosts, beautiful and powerful beyond compare. But he rebelled against his Creator, led a great battle against the forces of heaven, and was cast down. Banished from his heavenly home, but not destroyed, he waited for an opportunity to take his revenge. Unable to overthrow the Mighty One, he turned his sights on those who bore his image. He lied to us about where true life was to be found, and we believed him. We fell, and "our glory faded," as Milton said, "faded so soon." Or as David lamented, "You turn my glory into shame" (Ps. 4:2).

But God did not abandon us, not by a long shot. I think even a quick read of the Old Testament would be enough to convince you that war is a central theme of God's activity. There is the Exodus, where God goes to war to set his captive people free. Blood. Hail. Locusts. Darkness. Death. Plague after plague descends on Egypt like a boxer's one-two punch, like the blows of some great ax. Pharoah releases his grip, but only for a moment. The fleeing slaves are pinned against the Red Sea when Egypt makes a last charge, hurtling down on them in chariots. God drowns those soldiers in the sea, every last one of them. Standing in shock and joy on the opposite shore, the Hebrews proclaim, "The LORD is a warrior!" (Ex. 15:3). Yahweh is a warrior. [...]

Many people think the theme of war ends with the Old Testament. Not at all. Jesus says, "I did not come to bring peace, but a sword" (Matt. 10:34). In fact, his birth involved another battle in heaven:

A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads...The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter...And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven...Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring -those tho obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus. (Rev. 12:1-5, 7-8, 17)

The birth of Christ was an act of war, an invasion. The Enemy knew it and tried to kill him as a babe (Matt 2:13). No pale-faced altar boy, the whole life of Christ is marked by battle and confrontation. He kicks out demons with a stern command. He rebukes a fever, and it leaves Peter's mother-in-law. He rebukes a storm, and it subsides. He confronts the Pharisees time and again to set God's people free from legalism. In a loud voice he wakes Lazarus from the dead. He descends to hell, wrestles the keys of hell and death from Satan, and leads a train of captives free (Eph. 4:8-9, Rev. 1:18). And when he returns, I might point out, Jesus will come mounted on a steed of war, with his robe dipped in blood, armed for battle (Rev. 19:11-15).

War is not just one among many themes in the Bible. It is the backdrop for the whole Story, the context for everything else. God is at war. He is trampling out the vineyards where the grapes of wrath are stored. And what is he fighting for? Our freedom and restoration. The glory of God is man fully alive. In the meantime, Paul says, arm yourselves, and the first piece of equipment he urges us to don is the belt of truth (Eph. 6:10-18). We arm ourselves by getting a good, solid grip on our situation, by getting some clarity on the battle over our lives. God's intentions toward us are life. Those intentions are good. Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes. [...]

Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days we will not understand life. We will misinterpret 90% of what is happening around us and to us. It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions toward us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are just blowing it. Worse, we will begin to accept some really awful things about God. That four-year-old girl being molested by her daddy -that is "God's will"? That ugly divorce that tore your family apart -God wanted that to happen too? And that plane crash that took the lives of so many -that was desired by God?

Most people get stuck at some point because God appears to have abandoned them. He is not coming through. Speaking about her life with a mixture of disappointment and cynicism, a young woman recently said to me, "God is rather silent right now." Yes, it' s been awful. I don't discount that for a moment. She is unloved; she is unemployed; she is under a lot. But her attitude strikes me as deeply naive, on the level of someone caught in a cross fire who asks, rather shocked and with a sense of betrayal, "God, why won't you make them stop firing at me?" I'm sorry, but that's not where we are right now. It's not where we are in the Story. That day is coming, later, when the lion shall lie down with the lamb and we'll beat swords into plowshares. For now, it's bloody battle.

YOU MUST FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

home

2005-02-04T03:04:00.000-06:00

ok, this is becoming some place where i just put songs that totally get to me...but that's not a bad thing right? ;)

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two"I'm fine baby, how are you?"

Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I'm lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life

It's like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

But this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel alone

Oh, let go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I've had my run

Baby, I'm done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all right

I'll be home tonight

I'm coming back home

-m.buble

awww...

beeeeautiful. so soothing...great voice...ahhhh.....

i had a very good day today. my first day teaching was quite good. and tonight i had a lot of very good conversations before, during, and after fellowship. it was great :) and let me just say that i should NOT have had so much dessert....MAN! working out for the past 2 weeks has been great, but duuuuuuude, i TOTALLY ate it all back up. man, why am i such a sucker for ice-cream....PLEASE don't let me be lactose :'(

and BY THE WAY, who's been messing with my blog, hmmmmmmmmmm?????

(k, i'm not usually like this...too much sugar i think...mmmm, sugar...)

how deep is the ocean

2004-12-01T23:31:00.000-06:00

the girl before me in my jazz class was going over this song.

it's absolutely beautiful.

How much do I love you?
I’ll tell you no lie
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?

How many times a day do I think of you?
How many roses are sprinkled with dew?

How far would I travel
To be where you are?
How far is the journey
From here to a star?

And if I ever lost you
How much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?

just think....that's how much we mean to God. now that's love, baby...

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. -Eph 3:16-19

a different kind of song

2004-11-28T18:30:00.000-06:00

i still can't explain why, but i am so addicted to this song. i just love it. it's such a sweet song. i don't even understand completely all the lyrics, but what i do understand is enough. it' s the sap coming out in me. sigh.

相依為命 - 陳小春

旁人在淡出終於只有你共我一起
仍然自問幸福雖說有陣時為你生氣
其實以前和你互相不等得死心塌地
直到共你渡過多災世紀

* 即使身邊世事再毫無道理
與你永遠亦連在一起
你不放下我我不放下你
我想確定每日挽住同樣的手臂
不敢早死要來陪住你
我已試夠(過)別離並不很淒美
我還如何撇下你
(獻盡了雲湧風起還怎麼捨得放下你)

年華像細水沖走幾個愛人與知己
抬頭命運射燈光柱罩下來是我跟你
難道有人離去是想顯出好光陰有限
讓我學楓飢A 貪生怕死 *

證明愛人又愛己何以要那麼悲壯才合理 *

...還怎麼捨得放下你
we can cherish this breath together.

every woman's battle -vi. guarding your heart

2004-11-16T21:30:00.000-06:00

>>finding the love you want

While avoiding unhealthy emotional connections and relationships is important, it's not enough to guarantee success in keeping our hearts guarded against compromise. The secret to ultimate emotional satisfaction is to pursue a mad, passionate love relationship with the One who made our hearts, the One who purifies our hearts, and the One who strengthens our hearts against worldly temptations. The secret is to focus your heart on your First Love.

Do you remember the first time you felt you were in love? How he dominated your throughts morning, noon, and night? How you could be available at a moment's notice if you knew he was coming by? Remember how you would drop anything and everything when the phone rang, desperately hoping to heart his voice on the line? The potential of this relationship's going somewhere consumed your world. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't get him off your mind, right? (Not that any of us tried all that hard!)

God longs for you to be that consumed in Him. Not that you can stay on a mountaintop like the one just described every day of your life (all love relationships go through peaks and valleys), but He desires to be your First Love. He wants you to watch for Him expectantly, so that you sense Him beckoning you into His presence. He aches for you to call out to Him and listen for His loving reply. Althought He wants you to invest in healthy relationships with others, He wants you to be most concerned about your relationship with Him.

Maybe you are thinking Oh, I've been hearing that all my life! The answer to all my problems is "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!" I know Jesus but I've never felt complete satisfaction with Him either! If that's the case, I can understand why you might challenge what I'm saying. But I know from experience that what I say is true, and so do many women I know. And I can't help but wonder if you have really invested yourself wholeheartedly in pursuing a satisfying relationship with God. I encourage you to honestly answer the following questions:

Have I really ivnested much time getting to know God personally and intimately? Do I read the bible searching for clues as to God's character and plan for my life? Have I given God as many chances as I have given other men? Have I ever made the choice to pray or to dance to worship music or to go for a walk with God isntead of picking up the phone to call a guy when I'm lonely? Are there moments spent alone that I ignore God's presence in an attempt to satisfy myself? Do I believe that God can satisfy every single need I have? Am I willing to test this belief by letting go of all the things, people, and thoughts that I use to medicate my pain, fear, or loneliness, and becoming totally dependent upon God?

God longs for you to test Him and try Him on this. He wants to dwell in every part of your heart, not just rent a room there. He wants to fill your heart to overflowing.

Don't let guilt from past mistakes keep you from seeking this truly satisfying first-love relationship with Him. God does not despise you for the way you've tried to fill the void in your herat. He says, "Come now, let us reason together...Though your sins are like scarlet, the shall be as white as snow; thought they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool" (Is. 1:18). He is eager to cleanse your heart and teach you how to guard it from future pain and loneliness.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Eph. 3:16-19

the work of his hands -iii. the image of christ

2004-09-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

"Now what is sculpture?" demanded Bertoldo [speaking
to Michelangelo] in a mentor's tone. "It is the art which, by removing all that is superfluous from the material under treatment, reduces it to that form designed in the artist's mind."
-Irving Stone, The Agony and the Ecstasy

The material does not easily surrender itself to the sculptor. It is neccessary to conquer it every day until you understand it. Only then does the material reveal its secrets, its intimate voices, its mysteries. This is not a knowledge that comes from chemistry or geology. This is not enough. It is neccessary to know the material through love, before you can master it, taking advantage of all its aesthetic possibilities. Each stone has its own composition, its own hardness, its colour, its veins, its spots, and all this requires the use of different tools.

God holds His face a few inches from the stone of the self, and, in the bright and steady light of His love, He inspects us, noting the composition, its hardness, its colour, its veins, its spots, to know exactly which tool to use and precisely where to use it.

The way God works is similar to the way Michelangelo worked, as he used different tools to achieve different results. He used the hammer, which was his primary tool, along with a variety of pointed chisels that he used to shape the block. Some chisels had serrated edges. Others were flat. Each had its own role in shaping the marble, its own special use, however slight. He also had an assortment of rasps and abrasives.

The tools of a torturer. Or so it seems.

From the perspective of the onlooker, when the artist begins his work, every blow from the hammer seems a random act of violence, every bit of the chisel, a senseless act of vandalism.

From the perspective of the slab, the blows it receives are even more difficult to comprehend. Who can blame the marble for not being able to make sense of what is happening to it? Who can blame it for its questions and its reactions? The waste seems so senseless. What purpose did it serve? What good did it accomplish? And who is the strange being that wields such a cruel hammer in one hand and such a cold chisel in the other?

In an untitled poem Michelangelo explained the process.

With chiselled touch
The stone unhewn and cold
Becomes a living mould.
The more the marble wastes,
The more the statue grows.

It is a confusing time for the work-in-progress. It is neither stone nor art, at home neither in the quarry nor the gallery. But bit by bit the slab grows smaller, and day by day its shape changes. Until one day, a shaft of sun angles from an open shutter to reveal the nature of the shape that is emerging. The features are unmistakable. It is rough-hewn but rounded. A head of some sort, a human head it seems. Within that head are the etched beginnings of eyes. Below them and between them, a jagged escarpment that appears to be a nose. And an elongated protrusion that, by its placement, can only be a mouth.

Day by day the work continues. The more the marble wastes, the more the statue grows. The eyes are now distinct. Later, they will be deepened. Later still, they will be polished until peace shines from within them. The mouth is mysterious now. Later, the curvature of kindness will shape its lips. The work is now more sculpture than a slab. The stone sees that something eternal is emerging from its embedded resistance. More and more it yields to the beauty it is becoming.

To the beauty it is becoming.

We are the work of His hands, you and I. Which is to say, we are roughly quarried stone on our way to becoming the magnum opus of God, the "great work" of His life. The work He thinks of, dreams of. The work He frets over, obessesses over.

We are a masterpiece in the making. And not just any masterpiece. His masterpiece. More magnificent than the Pieta.

The circumstances of our life, which God uses to craft our character, are often jarring, sometimes difficult to understand and difficult to endure. "What is required of us, "advised the poet Rilke in times like these, "is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us."

The hands that work on us are God's hands. And just as Jesus worked beside his Father in the creation of the world, so he lends his hands in the crafting of our charcter. Those hands are sometimes near, touching the contours of our soul. Other times they are far, searching for a different tool. All times, though, they are purposeful. Their purpose is to make us beautiful.

The beauty of Christ is what we are destined for.

"Unfinished bound slave", Michelangelo

"Yet, O LORD , you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand." -Is. 64:8

practicing the presence of God

2004-08-20T13:30:00.000-05:00

"O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, I beseech Thee to grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and to this end do Thou prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections."

-Brother Lawrence

do they see jesus in me?

2004-08-16T17:19:00.000-05:00

Is the face that I see in the mirror
the one I want others to see?
Do I show in the way that I walk in my life
the love that you've given to me?
My heart's desire is to be like you
in all that I do, all I am

Do they see Jesus in me?
Do they recognize your face?
Do I communicate your love and your grace?
Do I reflect who you are in the way I choose to be?
Do they see Jesus, Jesus in me?

Well it's amazing that you'd ever use me
but use me the way you will
Help me to hold out heart of compassion and grace
A heart that your Spirit fills
May I show forgiveness and mercy
the same way you've shown it to me

Do they see Jesus in me?
Do they recognize your face?
Do I communicate your love and your grace?
Do I reflect who you are in the way I choose to be?
Do they see Jesus, Jesus in me?

Well I want to show all the world that You are
the reason I live and breathe
So You'll be the one that they see when they see me

Do they see Jesus in me?
Do they recognize your face?
Do I communicate your love and your grace?
Do I reflect who you are in the way I choose to be?
Do they see Jesus, Jesus in me?

Oh, do they see Jesus in me?

"Girl before a mirror", Picasso

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner
worthy of the gospel of Christ." -Phil 1:27

be thou my vision

2004-08-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and thou my true word
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one

Riches I need not, nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art

High King of heaven, my victory won
May I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

God, you're beautiful...

my all-time favourite...

2004-08-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

i am absolutely stunned every time i see this. the stillness is simply captivating. words could never do it justice. neither can a photo off the internet. trust me, i tried. for now, stay awhile, and just let it move you. but that's just me. sometimes it's so upsetting when you try and express to someone your reaction to a particular experience and no matter how hard you try, you just can't get them to connect in the same way. i know we're all individuals, all wired differently, blahblahblah, but i'm not sure how to really deal with it yet. anyway...this isn't about me, it's about this:

"Pieta", Michelangelo

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He would give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross

My guilt upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

walking on water -ii. icons of the true

2004-08-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

The problem of pain, of war and the horror of war, of poverty and disease is always confronting us. But a God who allows no pain, no grief, also allows no choice. There is little unfairness in a colony of ants, but there is also little freedom. We human beings have been given the terrible gift of free will, and this ability to make choices, to help write our own story, is what makes us human. [...] It is the ability to choose which makes us human.
...
"The Son of God suffered unto death not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like his."
...
But to serve any discipline of art [...] is to affirm meaning.
...
[...] confusion comes about becuase much so-called religious art is in fact bad art, and therefore bad religion. [...] Some of those soppy pictures of Jesus, looking like a tubercular, fair-haired, blue-eyed goy, are far more secular than a Picasso mother and child. The Lord Jesus who rules my life is not a sentimental, self-pitying weakling. He was a Jew, a carpenter, and strong. He took into his own heart, for our sakes, that pain which brings "wisdom through the awful grace of God."

AMEN sista!
...
[Hassidic teaching and nonrepresentational designs of Muslim mosques] both miss the point which Eastern Orthodox artists are taught when they study the paintings of icons. The figure on the icon is not meant to represent literally what Peter or John or any of the apostles looked like, nor what Mary looked like, nor the child, Jesus. But, the orthodox painter feels, Jesus of Nazareth did not walk around Galilee faceless. The icon of Jesus may not look like the man Jesus two thousand years ago, but it represents some quality of Jesus, or his mother, or his followers, and so becomes an open window through which we can be given a new glimpse of the love of God. Icons are painted with firm discipline, much prayer, and anonymity. In this way the iconographer is enabled to get out of the way, to listen, to serve the work.
...
All true art has iconic quality.
...
"To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist."

walking on water -madeleine l'engle

2004-08-11T14:18:00.000-05:00

wow. the joy of finishing a good book after a year and 2 months. started another one that i've always wanted to read. every page leaves me breathless. i can't explain it. there's too much to share. i don't even know where to start. i know that not everyone will feel the same way, but the words just...wow. i'm just speechless and in awe. i don't even know how. i just connect...

>>i. cosmos from chaos

Listen to the silence. Stay open to the voice of the Spirit. Slow me down, Lord.
...
Plato spoke of the neccessity for divine madness in the poet. It is a frightening thing to open oneself to this strange and dark side of the divine; it means letting go of our sane self-control, that control which gives us the illusion of safety. But safety is only an illusion, and letting it go is part of listening to the silence, and to the Spirit.
...
All learning which is acquired under compulsion has no hold upon the mind. -Plato
...
That which is impossible and probable is better than that which is possible and improbable. -Aristotle.
...
And as I listen to the silence, I learn that my feelings about art and my feelings about the Creator of the Universe are inseparable. To try to talk about art and about Christianity is for me one and the same thing, and it means attempting to share the meaning of my life, what gives it, for me, its tragedy and its glory.
...
Skill may be learned, and if art is merely a skill, then it can be acquired by anybody, and being a painter would merely be the equivalent of being a good dentist's technician or a practiced butcher. It is an honourable thing to be a dentist's technician or a butcher, but neither would claim to be a creator.
...
The artist is a servant who is willing to be a birth-giver.
...
I believe that each work of art, whether it is a work of great genuis or something very small, comes to the artist and says, "Here I am. Enflesh me. Give birth to me." And the artist either says, "My soul doth magnify the Lord", and willingly becomes the bearer of the work, or refuses.
...
It helps me to remember that anything Jesus did during his life here on earth is something we should be able to do, too. [...] Sometimes I will sit on a sun-warmed rock to dry, and think of Peter walking across the water to meet Jesus. As long as he didn't remember that we human beings have forgotten how to walk on water, he was able to do it. If Jesus of Nazareth was God become truly man for us, as I believe he was, then we should be able to walk on water, to heal the sick, even to accept the Father's answer to out prayers when it is not the answer that we hope for, when it is no.
...
The chief job of the teacher is to help us remember all that we have forgotten. [...] One of the great sorrows which came to human beings when Adam and Eve left the Garden was the loss of memory, memory of all that God's children are meant to be.
...
The artist, if he is not to forget how to listen, must retain the vision which includes angels and dragons and unicorns and all the lovely creatures which our world would put in a box marked Children Only.
...
Faith is for that which lies on the other side of reaon. Faith is what makes life bearable, which all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.
...
"The principle part of faith is patience."

the heart of the artist -x. the spiritual disciplines of the artist

2004-08-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

>>friendship with God
_>>"surprised by the voice of God", Jack Deere

God comes to us like this because he wants a relationship. But sometimes we only want results. He wants to talk. But we only want him to fix things. It's not that he is against results or minds fixing things. He actually enjoys serving us. But he wants to be more than a servant. He wants to be a friend. Though I fear sometimes we wants only a servant.

Real friendships can't be forced. They must be chosen, and then pursued and purged of ulterior motives. Friends share secrets, and understanding of each other grows--so does trust and appreciation. If the friendship deepens, one day you wake up and realize that you love your friend for who they are, not for what they can do for you. In fact, they don't need to do anything for you. Just being with your friend is the highest joy. Yet the truth is that there is nothing you wouldn't do for your friend and nothing your friend wouldn't do for you...

As long as we're primarily interested in our friend for what they can do for us, we'll never have a true friendship. Relationships can begin this way and then develop into true friendship, but until the relationship is purged of our desire to use each other, we'll never have a true friendship. And yet it is our truest frinds who will do the most for us...

One of the great mistakes of the church is to offer Jesus to people solely on the same basis that a salesman offers a product to consumers. Come to Jesus--he'll save you from hell, fix your marriage, get your kid off drugs, heal your diseases, take away your depression, make you powerful in word and spirit, give you a good job and a nice house. Jesus certainly saves people from hell, and he can do all the other things too.

It's not wrong to come to Jesus initially for what he can do for us. The problem is many of us never progress beyond this stage. What if he doesn't fix our marriage or get our kids off drugs? What if he lets us go bankrupt? If our primary interest in Jesus revolves around what he can do for us, then when he "fails" to meet enough of our perceived needs, we'll leave him or become embittered. Many of us in the church can't seem to get past the stage of desiring Jesus for what he can do for us. We are so dazzled by Jesus' ability to provide for us that we can't see the loveliness of his Person. He is infinitely wonderful in himself, worthy to be loved and adored even if he never does a single thing for us...

God makes it easy for us to reject him becuase he wants us to choose him for himself alone. It is perhaps one of the universe's greatest mysteries that the Son of God wants a friendship with us. He will not force himself on us. We must choose him for our friend and then pursue him for the rest of our lives if we want that friendship to grow.

the heart of the artist -intro: those artsy types

2004-08-09T18:33:00.000-05:00

>>reclaiming the artistic temperament for Christ

I believe that God has redeemed the artistic temperament. If you're in Christ, you are a new creature. "the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 cor. 5:17). In Christ there is such a thing as a transformed, well-adjusted, Spirit-filled artist. Imagine what God could do with an artistic temperament that's completely yielded to Him. He doesn't look at us as "those strange artsy types." after all, He made us. He loves us and He understands us.

I'll admit we are a little different, but it's a good kind of different. Artists look at things differently than nonartists do. We notice detail; we appreciate nuance and beauty. Some people might look at the evening sky and all they see is a bunch of stars. But an artist looks at it and sees beauty and meaning. Artists want to sit under the stars and soak it all in. They want to gaze at the moon and be dazzled. They want to paint a picture of it or write a song or a poem. Debussy was so moved by the evening sky that he wrote Clair de Lune. Van Gogh was inspired and painted Starry Night. King David was an artist who looked at the evening sky and wrote this: "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" (ps. 8:3-4)

"Starry Night", Van Gogh
"We learn from the artists, from those who work in paint or words, or musical notes, from those who have eyes that see and ears that hear and hearts that feel deeply and passionately about all that is sacred and dear to God." -Ken Gire, Windows of the Soul

the heart of the artist -viii. leading artists

2004-08-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

"the glory of God is in the fully alive human being." some of us are not fully alive anymore because we are stifled artists. by necessity we've become more leader or more administrator than artist. we don't sing anymore. we don't play anymore. we don't write anymore. we don't dance anymore. we don't act anymore. we don't draw or paint anymore. or if we do these things, we don't do them on a scale anywhere near what we used to. when many of us first became believers, our newfound faith found expression in the arts. for many of us, it was the first link between us and God. but not anymore. we're too busy for that. this is sad, because we really enjoy those kinds of things and we miss doing them. we are "God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Eph 2:10). many of us were created to be artists. that's what God put us on the planet to do. if we don't get to be artists, we're not able to do those good works we were destined to do. if we continue to let this go unattended for too long, we will become frustrated artists who have become angry at the church for stifling our giftedness. the other danger is that we will become what Julie Cameron, in her book The Artist's Way, calls "shadow artists", people who give wings to everybody else's talent but their own. the end is the same. our giftedness gets lost. there's this artist inside us that wants to come out but is being suppressed.

so camp is finally over. things are slowing down. time is freeing up. i actually have time to read and can manage doing so without falling asleep. i started this book last year and have yet to finish it. i think about the past year at tyndale away from studio art, this past summer packed with daycamp, softball, worship, wedding, retreat responsibilities. i haven't had any time to paint or sketch out of sheer personal pleasure. i think about what it means to be an artist. what i'm supposed to be as an artist. is it just a label i've been given, having been artistic or been in art programs since forever, is it just something i've convinced myself to be because i can't be anything else? i know that i've been blessed tremendously with unique gifts and talents. the fact that my own pastor has told me that i'm one of the most gifted people he knows is an accolade i feel too small to accept. i remember steph saying at salt's winter retreat last year that she thinks it's cool how there's no one else in the fellowship like me. that's stuck with me. i've never wanted to be like everybody else. i don't want to be "one of them", "just another...". artists are supposed to be different. right?

am i still an artist if it's been a while since i've done any artwork? i sit here at my computer on my first day off and i think of what i'm supposed to be doing with my time. in my mind i should be whipping up a painting, or finishing the one i've started last year, but then i realised that my paints were at church. i have an image in my mind that i wanted to draw for a friend of mine, but i'm already skeptical of whether or not i'd be able to carry it out to completion. i've been singing a lot lately. mostly for the wedding, which is over now (and i think i'm quite happy with my performance), and to prepare for my jazz class audition...which i'm actually really nervous about. i've been able to use my singing for daycamp too in leading camp songs which was something i totally enjoyed.

no, "artist" isn't just a label. i know it's in me. i know that art moves me inside and out when i have the time to slow down and enjoy it. i know what it is to see something differently than others, to be overwhelmed to tears just looking at God's creation yet not knowing how to express it to others so that they, too, can feel the same way. i know how it feels to be fixated on a single painting for half an hour, to find someone else's art touch you and reveal things to you in a way nothing else can. i know what it feels to finish a piece of work i'm genuinely happy with. i know what it feels like to walk off a stage and be thoroughly satisfied with my performance. i know what it feels like to be doing what God has given me the unique ability to do. i know what it feels like to be "in my element". and i love it. but i know that regardless of how many pieces i manage to complete, how many songs i sing, i will still be an artist. i know that it's in me. i know that's how God created me. being an artist isn't about doing. it's about being. the physical work that others see should simply be an outpouring of the passion for the arts that lie inside.

i'm not surprised at how it's like being a christian. it's about being. not doing. in God's eyes, it doesn't matter what you try and do for him if your heart isn't with him. it doesn't matter how many mission trips you go on, how many worship teams you're a part of, how many leadership positions you have. if those things don't flow out of a passionate love for God, what good is it? it's just work. if my artwork isn't created out of a love for art, a true desire to be what God has called me to be, what he's called me to do, it's merely homework.

i guess i just want to be real. i want to be a person who lives with integrity. i want to stay true to how God made me, as a singer, as an artist, as a leader, as his child.

above all, in everything, in every way, i want to be a genuine worshipper of God.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." John 4:23-24

testing...one-two-three...

2004-08-03T00:05:00.000-05:00

just giving this a try...this seems more user friendly than xanga. or i'm just lazy to figure it all out. we'll see what becomes of this...